The Ikari Doctrine
by ChiRho
Summary: Unit 02 is lowered into the lava... will she come out? Gendo gets a treat! SHARK ATTACK!
1. Chapter 1 The First Strike

Disclaimer:  I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.  A company named Gainax does.  If they request I take this off of the net then I will.

A/N:  Yeah…….never really done this before but what tha hey!

If it is in Italics it is thought

If not in Italics it is either descriptive or action

If it is in "…" then apparently this is speech.

_ SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1____Three days, that's how long it has been since she moved in, and all because she wanted to satisfy her stupid ego by proving she was the best pilot.  Misato steps up the training today so now I have to sleep in the same room as her.  I like Misato but damn her to hell I think she likes torturing me, damn masochist.  In my opinion I was doing fine, finely regaining some since of stability in life and living with a beautiful woman who at least cared about my well being an iota.  Sure I was piloting a bio-mechanical monstrosity but that's just what I have to do to keep my world revolving around the sun.  Since the day that red headed succubus came into my life the world has been a little off tilt.  Sure she's beautiful and I'll admit she is well developed for her age, but I will be hot damned if I take one more insult or slap or kick or punch or any other physical offense she puts up.  I mean I'm a man damn it!  I should be able to take up for myself right?  Last night she kicked me, come on who kicks anther person if your not in some kind of wrestling arena or crazy kung fu movie.  I'll admit my mind snapped a bit when she kicked me, it just showed me how really crazy this bitch is.  Therefore I have come up with the Ikari self defense system.    I feel like a new man as the rays of the morning sun shine through the blinds of my window to fall across my face.  Nothing has changed about me physically I just feel better knowing that I'm going to do something about it.  I have taken shit all my life and said nothing of it but last night as I was sleeping I came up with the Ikari doctrine.  This of course came after thinking of the Ikari self defense system as a doctrine was needed to decide when the system may legally be initiated.  The Ikari doctrine is as follows "Shinji Ikari will no longer take physical or verbal abuse off of any person or person's without a semblance of retaliation.  When and if retaliation is considered the offending party may make amends by saying a simple "I am sorry and it will never happen again master shinji" and retaliation will be suspended until another offense occurs."    The Ikari defense system is now online and running at full steam.  I've got to get the offensive party to do something early on in the day so as by tonight I have a semblance of control over my life.  I'll admit I am breaking the spirit of the doctrine by enticing the redhead to put up an offensive but it must be done!_

"Time to draw the line…….that sounded corny."

The Ikari Doctrine

Part 1:  The first breech

By: ChiRho

            As Shinji exited his room he contemplated his current doors sign "Shinji's Lovely Suite" he whispered with a smile creeping upon his usually downtrodden face.  _I like Misato when we're alone but at Nerv she seems colder.  No one should have jobs like ours.  _

"And now to make an addition to this door."  He takes the piece of paper taped on all four corners and places it below the already existing sign.  He steps back from the door and reads the comically larger first line of the paper "Ikari Doctrine".  As he stepped  away from the door and toward the kitchen his last thought was how the recently aquired combat training he was forced to learn and observing the torture methods of one Toji Suzuhara was about to pay off.  As he pads into the kitchen he sees Pen^2 waiting patiently beside his food bowl. Smiling at the penguin he opens the fridge and gets the already thawed fish out and lays it in his bow getting an appreciative squawk from the penguin.

"Let's see now.... miso soup should really piss her off" 

He could hear the sound of Asuka's door open and close again, then the padded foot steps coming closer to the kitchen. 

"Hi Asuka I hope you had a good night sleep"

"Whatever....what are you making ME for breakfast"

"Miso soup"

"We had miso soup yesterday and I told you I hated it then baka"

"Sorry"

"Of course your sorry, a boring little boy like you will always be sorry baka" she said while puling out a chair at the table and sitting down.

_That's what I was waiting for._  Shinji turned the stove off, _no telling how long this is going to take_, and innocently walked toward Asuka.  She, of course, noticed this and immediately asked

"Finish my breakfast before leaving baka!"

As he got even with the chair she was siting in he grabbed onto the back of the chair and pulled back as hard as he could.  This led to the chair flying backwards toward the floor and spilling its contents onto the floor. Asuka carefully assessed the situation as she fell backwards and came up with........  Nothing. Even as she and the chair hit the ground.... Nothing.  Even as she continued to be propelled by the backwards force of the fall and flip end over end....... Nothing.  But when a sardonic looking Shinji Ikari lept on her straddling her lower waste and thighs and grabbing her arms she thought and vocalized

"You son of a bitch get off me NOW!!!!"

"Tsk tsk tsk, your just digging a deeper grave for yourself Asuka." _Look at her squirm!_

Suddenly Asuka gets very calm and her mouth becomes a thin line

"Shinji, if you get off of me now we can pretend like none of this ever happened."

"Asuka, how stupid do you think I really am, I wouldn't getting off of you if a N^2 mine went off right now.  Unless of course you say a simple I'm sorry for calling you a baka when you were only being considerate and it will never happen again."

"Now I know your dreaming you bak-"

"Then the torture may begin"

"What do you me-"

She was cut off by the sound of Shinji working the spit up in his mouth

"If you carry through with what I think your going to do I WILL be forced to kill you."

Shinji said nothing but as for a response he let a stream of saliva and mucus run out of his mouth and directly at the German girls eye.  The look that he received was priceless, it was mixed with absolute horror, anger, and hopelessness. He stopped the saliva just before it reached her eye by sucking it back up, noticing the relief in the redheads face.

_I'm getting some kind of sick pleasure out of watching her squirm!?!........must be a perk!_

"Don't squirm too much, I might lose control of the next one and it would land right in your eye!"

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO TO YOU WHEN I GET UP"

Instead of talking he let another trail of saliva leave his lips holding it right above her face.  As the German wiggles beneath him he couldn't help but inwardly laugh at how quickly the tables had turned on the girl.  

Just then the main door slid open with a whoosh and a visibly tired Misato stepped through the door.  While she lay there squirming to get away from the stream of spit and mucus over her face she thought about the wrath that she would pour on the boy when Misato would order him to remove his dirty body from her pristine body.  Who would have thought, her savior, Misato. Ahh..but such was not the case.  With an exasperated sigh Misato made her way down the hallway seemingly ignoring the spectacle in front of her.  When she got to the doorway of the kitchen she turned her head slightly in the doors direction 

"Shinji...Asuka, I had to work a late shift so I'll be in my room...asleep."

Continuing the hike to her room she stepped over the fallen and pushed away chair and made her way straight to her room.  Wether she was blatantly ignoring the shrieks and curses from Asuka or wether she was too tired to hear them only the gods will know, because she walked right past them, into her room, closed the door, and after that a thud that sounded suspiciously like a body hitting the floor was heard.

"I'm not believing this shit!"  were the words uttered by girl.

"Ha.. Now your only hope of salvation has come and gone!  It is time to pay the price for insulting me"

With that he let the aforementioned mucus flow out of his mouth for the third time, this time though there was no pause in the descent of the mucus and all Asuka could think was _when did the baka grow a spine._  Just as she closed her eyes she felt the first contact of saliva and face.  German curses were generously flowing through the air around shinji as he casually worked up more spit.  Through her own curses she heard the now familiar sound of mucus being worked up and abruptly stopped with the barrage of insults.

"Shinji" she said with a voice way too sweet to be her own.  "I would appreciate it if you didn't do that again and I'm really sorry for calling you those names"  

_Damn my pride, I have to stop that second wad of saliva from hitting me or he may get away._

Shinji contemplated this for a while _ok she said sorry although she didn't mean it, but I still have to make my getaway._  He looked down at the girl who had only one eye looking up at him and what he figured was the best puppy dog face she could pull off under the circumstances and made his decision. 

"Sorry Asuka but I do have to mask my escape and you would certainly retaliate if I left you with the sense of visibility still in tact."

_Damn he's clever_

"Damn you to hell Shinji Ikari!"

"I kill angles babe, I'm going there anyway!"

With that he let another generous portion of saliva leave his mouth and slowly make its way to the beauty's face. The beauty herself had after seeing the spit leave his bottom lip shrieked for all she was worth, but seeing that the high pitched sound had not averted the path of the spit she began to yell curses and threats.  That is until the spit hit her eyelid and started to pool.  That's when she shrieked again.

"C'ya at school.....Oh yeah, as an afterthought you might want to take a look at my door."

Shinji leapt off Asuka with all the grace of an African gazelle who had just evaded the lioness, ran to the door where he grabbed his school bag, and immediately left the apartment complex.

Asuka noticing that she was free of her previous confinement jumped to her feet and began swinging about blindly, hitting the wall in the hallway and falling back down when she tripped over the tipped over chair.  She hefted herself back up and groped her way to the bathroom where she wiped her eyes off promptly.  If one could see the thoughts racing through her mind at the time, they would see images of Shinji being tortured mercilessly in a thousand different ways.  Once satisfied with the scrubbing and cleaning job she had done to her eyelids she looked up into the mirror.

"I will kill that baka and defecate on his baka grave" she said menacingly to the image in the mirror as if making a pact with herself.

She walked out of the bathroom and to Shinji's door where she read the words Shinji's Lovely Suite and just below that Ikari Doctrine.  As she scanned the doctrine you could almost see the steam coming out of her ears and her face turning as red as her hair.

"That Yaro only THINKS that he has taken shit off of me.  YOU WAIT KNOW BAKA BOY I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!!" she yelled into the hallway. 

She was about to turn and leave when a thought came to mind.  Asuka made her way into the kitchen and then back out heading to Misato's room. 

Two minutes later you can hear the sound of the front door opening and then closing again.  And all was quite.

If you could read minds though, you would hear the maniacal laughter of one warm water penguin. God knows I love that kid. 

TBC.

I don't know if it was good or if someone already did it, any input is great.


	2. Chapter 2 Retaliation

Disclaimer:  I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.  A company named Gainax does.  If they request I take this off of the net then I will.

A/N:  Yeah…….never really done this before but what tha hey!

If it is in Italics, it is thought

If not in Italics it is either descriptive or action

If it is in "…" then apparently this is speech.

The Ikari Doctrine: Part 2 / The First Retaliation

 SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1_One and a half freaking hours is how long I've been ringing…….. screw it, she'll never wake up and even I'm getting annoyed by the constant ringing.  _

Abruptly Misato Katsuragi's alarm clock shut off after its prolonged and ultimately failed mission of waking the operations director of Nerv.  Not only did the alarm clock not wake her but it never provoked the slightest movement.  

_Hell she could be dead for all I know!_

No sooner had the alarm clock gone off than the apparently haggard form of Misato Katsuragi sat straight up in bed and glared at the alarm clock like it had betrayed her.

If she wouldn't have thought that it was not possible, she would have sworn that the alarm clock glared back at her.

_Screw you; you try to wake the living dead!!_

"Oh My God!" noticing the numbers on the clock for the first time since staring at it, she confirms the fact that she is late.

"Thirty minutes late!"  _Oh no, by the time I get there I'll be an hour late._

She notices her attire first thing, and the fact that she is in fact still dressed for work after never undressing last night.

_A little wrinkly but it should get me by._

She runs for the bathroom and amazingly puts deodorant on without removing a piece of clothing.  She then brushes her teeth and gargles, never looking in the mirror to confirm her visual status.

_I could get stranded on a deserted island for a year and the men who picked me up would still be in awe of my beauty._

She then rushed to the refrigerator and grabbed a beer.

_I'll drink it on the way_

She took a look over to where she thought pen pen was and wondered what was so funny a penguin could double over in laughter.

_Planning is apparently not one of my best mental functions.  Ok I got her back so now what?  I have no idea what I'm going to do!!!!  The look she gave me coming through the classroom door this morning, late, would have made even my dad proud,  not to mention the 50 or so hate messages she has constantly sent me. I must converse with Toji about my situation.  The lunch bell is about to ring….._**BRIIIIING**……._check that, rang._

With swiftness only know by Flash Gordon, Shinji made his way from his desk to the roof.  Making his way to the back side of the entranceway incase any redheads decided to come looking for scared little boys up on the roof.

_Ok Shinji stop quivering like a scarred rabbit and stick to your guns, after all you started this crap._

Hearing the door open did nothing to help shake the fear he was feeling until…..

"Shinji!" 

_Oh thank God! It's only Toji._

"Over here Toji!"

"Where?"

"Behind the entrance you freaking idiot"

"Hey what's up your ass?!"

"What else would I hide up on the roof for?"

"HA!  Asuka has you by the balls eh Ikari?"

"Not just yet, actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Well why's she after you then?"

"I preformed a preemptive strike this morning?"

"Huh?"

"I attacked her before she could attack me?"

"NO WAY!!! I talk about doing it, but actually doing it is just plain crazy!!! Whadya do?"

"Well, remember a couple of days ago when Kensuke kept harping on you liking Hikari."

"I DON"T LIKE HIKARI!"

"I don't care if you like her or not, I'm just asking if you remember what you did too him to get him to quit?"

"Well I just…OH MY GOD YOU DIDN'T DO THATTT!!!!

"Sort of."

"What do you mean sort of?"

"Instead of stopping I sort of went all the way with it, on both eyes"

_Well the face he's making can't be a good thing._

"You're so freaking dead!"

"No suggestions then?"

"Yeah, I got suggestions, change your name and move as far away as possible."

"Funny, real funny."

"Well I wasn't trying to be, I'm serious man, you're screwed."

_Shit_

_The first retaliation will be psychological._

"Come on Hikari lets eat by the other girls today."

"Are you sure Asuka, you've never wanted to eat beside them before?"

"OH I'm sure."

"Ok."

The other girls exchange strange looks as the girl who had exclaimed herself "too good to eat with children" came to set down amongst them.

_Let's get this over with. Ok Hikari I'm relying on you to kick start this thing._

"So Asuka….why so late this mourning?"

_Predictable as usual!_

"Oh you wouldn't believe what I saw when I got up this morning"

_Just loud enough so the next table can hear me._

"OKKK. What did you see Asuka?"

"Shinji the ultimate Pervert"

_That got there attention._

"What was he doing in your…, you weren't"

"Of course not! He was standing over my bed looking right down at ME!"

"Why would he be doing that?"

_She's gotten louder too; this is going to be perfect!_

"You know, I wondered the exact same thing, until I saw………."

As the shrieks echoed through the courtyard several people could have sworn they saw the windows vibrate.

As Misato Katsuragi pulled back on the road and away from the cop that just tagged her for speeding she had just one thought, well two actually.

_Wise guy?, what did he mean by that?!   _ And  _my looks didn't get me out of a ticket? He must have been gay._

_Mental note, look in the mirror when you get to work._

With that she pulled the open beer from the backseat, thanking god the cop didn't see her put it back there when she got pulled over, and took a giant swig of the sweet golden nectar.

It just so happened that the few brain cells she killed with that swig contained a certain mental note.

As she walked down the halls of Nerv she just ignored the stares of the men she passed.

"Pigs" she muttered underneath her breath.

_Not good enough for me_.

What caught her eye though were the women who paid a little too close attention to her.

_Jealous….. or lesbians._

"Pigs" she muttered again.

Just then she had reached the command center.

"Makoto report!"

Slightly shaken Makoto began his report while turning to face the Captain.

"At 7 hundred hours this mourning the angel rea…..

As he caught sight of his captain he noticeably slowed down but quickly regained his composure and continued on.  By this time both Maya and Aoba had taken note of the very fragile and hysterically funny situation, but they only allowed small smiles to creep through their "work time" composure.

…c.h.ed fifty percent of its operational capabilities……sir"

He cracked a smile.

"Why are you so freaking happy?" "Huh!"

"Sir just seeing your face makes me happy…Sir"

Maya and Aoba couldn't take it anymore and abruptly turned back around stifling their laughter.

"Well Hyuga lets try to keep focused on our jobs instead of my face" Misato said dripping with sarcasm.

"Sir…I'll try…Sir"

"That's all I ask lieutenant."

With that Makoto sat back down and quickly spun back around.

"Katsuragi please report."

_SHIT! How did I miss him sitting at his desk, he's never there!_

Turning around and walking ten or so feet to a comfortable position away from the devil himself she addressed her Commander.

"Sir, yes sir"

"Do you find any of this amusing Captain Katsuragi?"

_Shit he knows I'm late, why don't you keep track of somebody else's schedule you yaro!_

"Sir, I apologize and will never be late again."

Even though he didn't lose composure Gendo was truly puzzled for at least a millisecond.

_She's late?  She doesn't have any idea what I'm talking about! _

"See that you don't. Carry on Captain."

_Who am I to ruin a good joke?_

With that fleeting thought Gendo lowered his desk back to wherever his desk lowers to.

"Yaro" Misato said a little too loudly and with too much of a sneer as she turned around and walked back to the deck.

"Captain Katsuragi" began Maya while pulling a camera out of nowhere "you don't mind taking a picture with me and the guys do you?"

"I mean as a keep sake for our time here at nerve." She added quickly.

Slightly flattered by the offer to be in a picture Misato let a small smile break through her previous frown.

_They adore me!_

So involved with delusions of greatness Misato missed both Makoto and Aoba mouth "YEsss!"

Maya walked over to the terminal across from them and set the timer on her "just-in-case" camera that all girls carry.  She then positioned the camera on the terminal and ran over to the now formed group.  Misato waited for the flash to go off while the Lieutenants beside her grinned like idiots.

_What's up with them anyway?_

The flash went off and Misato looked visibly relieved it was over with, that is until…

"Now can I get one of you alone Captain?"

"Me?"

"Well of course you, you know I look up to you."

"Let me go make sure I look alright for a personal shot then."

"NO! This is exactly how I want to remember you Captain, besides you look as shocking as ever"

"Sure Maya, make it quick though."

_See this is why I keep my innocent persona up all the time, if people don't think you will do anything bad to them then they'll do anything for you._

Flash.

"Thanks a lot Misato!"

"Sure thing, I'll be in my office now guys, if anything happens notify me at once."

"Yes Sir" resounded from three lieutenants. 

As the door to the command center closed behind Misato the three officers it held within burst into laughter that had been contained for way to long.

Through his laughter (and tears) Shigeru muttered "When you… (laughter) you said that you were… (more laughter) were happy to see her face" (even more laughter) I almost lost it man.

Makoto through his laughter (and even more tears) "Well I'm glad you didn't man…. (laughter) didn't you think (more laughter) that the beret filled out the picture?"

Through Maya's hyperventilating you hear her mutter "blackmail."

In the Office of Gendo Ikari a television screen that was surveying the command center lowers back down into its hidden compartment.

_Mental note:  Get copy of pictures taken._

"And they say I'm a spoiled sport!"

Shinji threw the last half of his sandwich over the top of the roof.

"Why tha hell did ya do that" Toji asked

"I'm not really hungry anymore; let's go back down to the classroom now so we can avoid Asuka....and Hikari."

"I DON'T LIKE HIKARI!"

"I never said you did."

Down below a confused Rei Ayanami looks down at the piece of bread and bologna that had managed to bounce off of her beautiful blue mop.  She looks quizzically at the pigeon pecking at the bread.

"I don't like meat."  Rei says in her usual monotone voice.

The pigeon stops pecking the bread and stares at Rei with what Rei interpreted as "quite contemplation".  She was halfway right.

_Well aren't you miss priss!  I don't give a damn if you eat meat or not, I'm just a lowly pigeon eating bread that one of you sorry ass humans tossed on the ground.  Must be nice to have options!_

_Bitch._

"I like the birds of the sky."

_Oh damn she must be retarded!_

Back in the class room Shinji and Toji had just walked in to saw Kensuke eating the last of his sandwich.  Seeing only Kensuke, Shinji flopped down in his seat and let out a very relieved sigh.  Kensuke finished chewing on his sandwich and started in on Shinji.

"Hey man, I didn't know you felt that way about Asuka."__

_"_Feel what way?"

"Look, she already told everyone what you did this morning so the jig is up."

"Why would she tell anybody what happened this morning?"  He asked with a comically confused expression on his face.

"Yeah, that don't sound like her." Toji added in.

"Look man, I won't stop being your friend for what you did, but you seriously need to reevaluate your way of telling a girl you like her?"_  Kensuke said with a very accusing look on his face._

"How exactly did Shinji tell her he liked her Ken?"

"Look Shinji, she already told Hikari and now it's gone around half the school that she awoke this morning and found you looking at her and touching yourself."

Shinji just stared blankly at Kensuke.

"Shinji" Toji admonished "that is not a very manly thi..."

"Shut the hell up Toji.....you know I would never do anything like that."

"Payback" Toji said.

"What?"__

_"_It's simple; you got her this morning, now she got you at school."

"You mean you didn't do it Shinji...Thank God, I thought you were some kind of sicko!"

"Look, the way I see it, she basically screwed you out of getting a date forever."

"OK, give Mr. Obvious over here a cookie!" Shinji said rather maliciously.

Both Kensuke and Toji thought _Ok this side of Shinji is a knew development._

"What she has done, friends, is start psychological warfare, a brand of mental depression and chain of self pity which I am all too familiar with."

It scared Toji and Kensuke that Shinji's eyes were moving back and forth wildly across the ceiling and the fact that his face grew an evil expression across it that his father would be proud of.

"Whatcha thinking man?" Kensuke dared to venture.

"You still have that camera don't you Kensuke?"

"Yeah man, you need it?"

"Bring it with you to school tomorrow."

"The Doctrine will stand still, woe to the redhead who challenges an Ikari!!!"

Toji and Kensuke stare speechless

_This dudes fucking nuts._

AN: Thanks for reading this crap and the reviews too.


	3. Chapter 3 The Frenchmen

Disclaimer:  I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.  A company named Gainax does.  If they request I take this off of the net then I will.

A/N:  Yeah…….never really done this before but what tha hey!

If it is in Italics, it is thought

If not in Italics it is either descriptive or action

If it is in "…" then apparently this is speech.

The Ikari Doctrine: Part 3 / The Frenchmen

 SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1Ritsuko walked down the hallways of Nerv.

_What in the hell is so important she misses our lunch date?!_

She arrives at the perpetrators office door and politely knocks.

_No answer. Nock again,_

She politely knocks again. 

_No answer.  Bang on the door._

She politely bangs on the door.

_No answer.  Bang on the door while using arbitrary profanity._

While banging on the door "Misato, I know your in there so get your lazy ass up and open the door, you haggard old maid.  Some one needs too teach you some.....

This goes on while a seemingly small puddle of drool gathers on a stack of unsigned papers.  Seemingly small because every paper under the first is soaked completely through.  Upon the words "old maid" Misato's head snaps itself upright.

_Where the hell am I? ....At my desk. Who's yelling at my door?_

"Who is it?"_  Misato asks much too cheerfully._

"What do you mean who is it!  It's the same damn person who got stood up for a lunch date."

"Oh! It's you Ritsuko, come on in!"  Again much too cheerfully.

Ritsuko stabs at the door opener and walks halfway in the door before coming to an abrupt halt, her face turning from writhing anger to curious confusion.

"What the hell's all over your face!?"  

"Oh! Sometimes I drool while I sleep.  Sorry."                          

"No. No.  Drool doesn't make a drunk woman turn into a drunk French man!"

"Now what in the hell is that suppose to mean!"

"Have you looked in the mirror at all today?!"

_Have I looked in the mirror today?_

"Of course I have, what do you take me for, a tramp?"

Ritsuko just stares at Misato who in return squirms under her gaze.

"You might want to take a look in the mirror Misato."

_Maybe I should have just gone with it._

"Well if you insist!"

Misato opens one of the side drawers to her desk and pulls out a handheld mirror.

She slowly brings it up to her face.

_Oh this is priceless._

Surprisingly Misato is not near as animated as Ritsuko would have estimated.

Misato slowly puts the mirror back in the drawer and closes the drawer without slamming it.

_Ok let's take stock of the situation.  Someone has apparently found it appropriate to draw a very bushy looking mustache that curls at the tips and a goatee on my beautiful face.  As if that wasn't enough they draw wrinkles under my eyes.  She's right.  I do look like a Frenchman, especially with this freaking beret I have on.  Man I'm hungry......_

Misato's face goes from thoughtfulness to the "Oh My God" face. This is the face Ritsuko has patiently waited for.

"It's past lunchtime isn't it?!"

"That's what I came to..."

"Just answer the fucking question!!!!" Misato yells while jumping up and slamming her palms down on her desk. 

"Yes."

_Should have just let it be._

Misato's face contorts into one of pure rage as thoughts run through her mind.

_"Your face makes me happy."_

_ A deep male voice "Katsuragi report."_

_"A picture with me and the guys."_

_"You know I look up to you captain."_

_"Can I have a picture of just you?"_

"I'M GOING TO KILL THEM ALL!!!!!" Misato screams while jumping from the floor to her chair to her desk.  Once her ascent comes to a halt she pulls out her pistol and waves it menacingly around in the air.

Ritsuko, having seen this behavior before, dives to the floor and scampers under one of the chairs Misato had in front of her desk.

"I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SOMETHING WAS UP WHEN THEY WANTED MY PICTURE!!!!"  Misato screeched while still waving her gun around.

Ritsuko, wanting to avoid any physical involvement, decides to add some constructive criticism.  Well meekly add anyway since she considered herself a hostage at this point.

"Maybe you should concentrate on who did this to you."

Suddenly everything is very quite.  Ritsuko can hear Misato climbing down off of her desk and reinserting herself in her office chair.  

"Of course your right Ritsuko, (sighing) I'll take care of that picture taking bitch later."

Misato picks up her phone while Ritsuko finds a comfortable position in the chair she had just been under.

"Section 2, this is Captain Katsuragi, I would like the video feed of the main room in my apartment from six this morning till noon.  I will be by to pick it up shortly."

Misato hangs up the phone and heads over to her personal sink.

"I'm going to wash this shit off now Ritsuko, I appreciate your informing me of my predicament, but now you might want to leave.  See you later.  Bye Bye now."

Ritsuko picks herself out of the seat and quietly leaves while mentally thanking God she could still walk.

_Now to scrub this shit off my face!!_

Misato picks up a paper towel and some soap and begins to scrub.

_This shit's not coming off!_

_Motherfuckerrr!!!!_

The soap ends up across the room and the towel in the trash while one Misato Katsuragi heads out the door and straight to the command center.

******************************************************************************

Back in the command center the three lieutenants were sitting in there chairs and acting like they were doing something when a very calm and collected Misato came in.  

"Oh Maya."

"Yes Captain?"

"I was very interested in your camera earlier....  you don't mind if I take a look at it, do you?"

"Of course not Captain." Maya said cheerfully.

Again a camera appears out of nowhere.

"Here you go Captain."

_Too happy, I wonder what her angle is._

"Oh My! This is that expensive new Sony model isn't it?"

"Yes ma'am, it had the highest resolution, and the memory card is the best you can buy." Maya listed off its features happily.

Taking the memory card out, "You mean this memory card, they make these things so flimsy don't ya think?"

"Well size is cruc….."

SNAP

"…ial."

"Just as I thought, flimsy!"

Maya's face went from happy to "My dog just got ran over".

Misato walks over to the edge of the terminals where the large drop off to the magi is.

"Well at least you still have this rather expensive camera.... Oops!"

The shattering of electronics has a distinct sound no one should ever have to hear.

Maya's face went from "My dog just got ran over" to "My grandma just ran over my dog, then into a telephone pole and went through the front window."

_That should do just fine, as for the other two; time will give me the opportunity to exact my revenge._

Misato, with a bright French smile on her face, heads off of the command deck and toward section 2 to get her evidence.

"Damn Maya, that sucked."

"Yeah, too bad about those pictures."

Pulling a memory stick out of her pocket

"You mean these pictures."

"That was pretty slick; still the camera was a low blow." Makoto said.

"Oh you mean that old thing, I would never let the major touch my real camera!"

"That was one of the first digital models made by Sony, ha! You couldn't get five bucks for it now!"

Both Makoto and Shigeru both smiled at Maya for her recent victory but each had similar thoughts.

_I got to watch my back around her, this bitch is crazy!!_

******************************************************************************

Back in the junior high classroom of 2-A, Shinji Ikari sat waiting for the bell to ring; he had gone through his "perfect plan" about a hundred times since lunch.  Now he was waiting for the walk home, he still hadn't figured out how he was going to handle Asuka till his plan could take affect tomorrow.  Sure he had taken some flack over the unexpected attack.  He didn't think the arsenal used was justified in retaliation for his preemptive strike this morning, but he was going to rectify the situation and try to put them back on a level playing field.

_When's this damn bell going to ring!! .....Not that I'm exited about walking home with her but......_

BBRIINNGGGG

_Ahh! There it is._

Shinji started to put his laptop away, until he saw a shadow looming over him.

_Shit! How could I let her get right behind me! _

Bracing for impact, Shinji slowly turns around.

"Oh, hi Rei, what do you need?"

"I would like to speak to you about the incident this morning."

Everyone in the class stopped to listen to this, Rei hardly ever talks.

"You heard about that, did you?"

"Yes, and I do not think that it is wise."

"You know I don't think it is either Rei."

_Son of a Bitch!! She's doing this on purpose, I swear it!         _

"If you must touch yourself in a sexual manner I suggest you do it away from others, there is no telling what other people might have, …… maybe in the bathroom."

"Thanks for the suggestion_ Rei, I'll keep that in mind."_

"One more thing Ikari."

"Yes Rei?"

_When does the torture stop!!!_

"If you must look at a half naked woman to touch yourself, I suggest looking at pictures instead of your roommates.  It is just more sanitary, and I know that the commander would be upset if a pilot was unable to perform adequately because of such a trivial matter."

_Do I have a sign on my forehead that says "Take a shot at me today"?      _

"Thanks Rei, good advice is always welcome."

"Very well then, goodbye Ikari."

"Goodbye Rei."

Shinji looks around at the class, and finds every eye still on him.

"What?!" He yells, which causes everyone but Asuka to flinch at this new side of the ever stoic Shinji.

"Let's go Baka!" Asuka yells from the front of the room.

"How can you stand to be around him?" Hikari asks while giving Shinji a disappointed glare.                  

"I think Shinji's learned his lesson, Haven't you Shinji?"

Shinji nods his head "Of course Asuka, I will never try that again!"

"Good Boy."  Asuka says while patting the boy on the head.

_Just keep thinking you've won, keep feeding that ego!_

Shinji walks quietly behind Asuka the whole way home, thinking of nothing but gruesome deaths for the redhead.                                                                       

******************************************************************************

At home Misato sits waiting.  Of course now she has viewed the tape she picked up from section two.

She has drug a chair over to the television and sits straight up with her arms under her breasts and a firm scowl on her face.  The television shows the inside of the apartment, apparently she paused it just before the good part.

_I'm not gonna kill her! I'm not gonna kill her! I'm not gonna kill her!          _

Just then the door slides open.

"And for repayment your gonna make my dinner tonight baka!"

"Sure, sure, whatever."

_I'm gonna kill her._

"Asuka, get in here now please, and Shinji go to your room."

"Sure thing Misato."  Shinji said cheerfully.

_She sounds friggin pissed._

"I didn't know you were home yet Misato."

_She doesn't remember what she did to my face...... but she will._

Asuka walked into the living room, took one look at Misato, and the memory of that morning came rushing back to her.

"Come on in Asuka, have a seat, do you want anything to drink?"

_She's being way too nice._

Asuka visibly swallowed, and now you could see little beads of sweat gathering on her forehead.

"No thanks Misato I'm fine." She said shakily.

"That's good.  Now let's get to the part I want to talk about."

"Between the time I came home last night and the time I woke up to head into Nerv, this (she referred to her face with a slight wave) appeared on my face."

"Imagine my surprise when I figured out what was on my face after lunch."

Asuka's face went to the "Oh Shit" phase.

"Exactly."

"I wondered "Who could have done such a thing to a sweet unsuspecting woman?"; do you know who could do such a thing Asuka?"

"S-s-Shinji?"

"No you little twerp, it was you, and here is the damning evidence!"

With that she pushes play.  You can clearly see a redhead leaving the kitchen with a sharpie in hand and entering Misato's room.  Misato fast forwards the tape until you see the redhead leave the room with a devilish grin on her face.

"W-w-What are y-you going to d-do to me?"

"I'm going to allow you and Shinji to go to school for one extra day, you see I originally planned for you to quit school until this angel is beaten, but now you will experience my embarrassment for yourself."

"You can't do that!"

_Yeah I love being mean baby._

"Oh just wait!"              

"Didn't you see what Shinji did to me!?"

"Yes, I did see what he did, and I'm rather proud of him."

"What!!?"

"That's right, I saw the doctrine and I'm glad he's finally standing up for himself."

"Well don't get too exited, I already put Ikari back in his place, so HA!"

"I'm going to my room now, living with a guardian like you is a disgrace!"

"It might be, but before you go to your room........."

Misato pulls a sharpie from her back shorts pocket.

"me and you are going to make amends." 

Shinji's head, or more appropriately his ear, is plastered to his door. 

_The devil herself thinks it's over, eh?  Thinks she put me back in my place, eh?_

Shinji waited at the door for what felt like 10 minutes after that, his facial expression of pure pleasure at the sound of Asuka's pointless screams of protest and rude comments directed at Misato.

"Heh, I didn't even have to do anything, she screwed herself over." he whispered.

_Now, to wait for my cue._

One door slammed, the fridge opened, the fridge closed, and another door slammed.

_That's it!_

Shinji slipped out of his room as quietly as he could then headed to the kitchen.

"Let's see, what can I make for dinner? Oooh, Asuka loves steak! That should be a good way to say I'm sorry for this morning."

_Maybe that was loud enough for her to hear, she has to think that she's put me in my place._

Shinji reaches into one of the cabinets and pulls out…. "Pam non-stick cooking spray."

A devilish grin appeared on his face.

_Prepare to have your ass cooked Asuka!_

Shinji heads into the living room and goes over to the sync pads they were going to use tonight for training.

"Shinji, this is the best steak I've ever had!" Misato exclaimed between mouthfuls of steak and beer.

"Yeah baka boy, I can't believe you didn't screw this up too."

"Coming from a people as scrutinizing as the French, I consider that a great compliment." Shinji said while smiling evilly. 

Both women, knives at hand, glared holes straight through Shinji's head.

_Oh shit! Do something quick idiot!_

"Uhh…. Even with Frenchmen's faces drawn over your own, you're still the most beautiful women in Tokyo-3…. Hell, maybe even the world."

Misato and surprisingly even Asuka beamed at the compliment and continued on with their meal.

_I don't know where I pulled that out from but thank you God for it!!..... and while on this _

_Mental Note:  Don't insult women, no matter how trivial you think it might be, while they have sharp objects at hand._

**DING-DONG**

Asuka ran like lightning to her room at the sound of the doorbell, going as far as to leave her steak behind.

"Is somebody coming over Misato?"

"Well I figured that your friends might like to see you and Asuka in your "outfits"." Misato said cheerfully.

"What about your face."

"Well, your two friends I really don't have to worry about since in their eyes I 'm a goddess, and I'll just tell Hikari it was an office prank." She said while answering the door. "Besides you're not the only one who likes to see Asuka squirm."

_Oh just wait!   Shinji thought._

"Come on out Asuka, Hikari can't wait to see you!!!" Misato yelled from her position at the living room table.  Around the same table sat Toji, Kensuke, Hikari, Rei, and pen pen.

"Yeah she-devil, lets get this show on the road!" shouted Toji.

Shinji sat by his sync pad in great anticipation, of course he didn't yell at Asuka too for he didn't want to ruin his little surprise by seeming too eager.

Hikari kept glancing at Shinji in what could only be considered "moderate disgust".

_That reminds me._

"Misato, did Asuka say anything to you about me "sexually molesting" her this morning?"

"No, why would she mention anything like that?....  You would never do anything like that anyway."

"Well as a way of getting back at me for this morning, she spread the rumor that I was pleasuring myself while looking at her this morning."

Rei decided to interject herself at this point.

"Do not worry Captain, I have already suggested that Shinji use the bathroom for such activities.  I'm sure you would agree that to have him get a disease or infection would not be in the best interest for his piloting duties."

"Well Rei, I can assure that Shinji did not do that to Asuka this morning, and when he does pleasure himself he already uses the bathroom."

_Shit! She knows about that!_

Hikari seemed to be puzzled by this.  

_Why would Asuka lie to me?  She did want to sit by the rest of the girls today for some reason. Oh My God! She used me to spread rumors about Shinji!  I'll still be her friend but I am very upset._

You could see the different emotions go through Hikari's face, and you could also see everyone edge away from her when it went to anger.  She wasn't the Class Rep for nothing.

At that moment Asuka appeared in the doorway. You could tell that she had tried to scrub the permanent ink off with sand paper or something.  All it did was make her face look red and irritated.

"Look! A drunk Frenchman!" Toji exclaimed while doubling over in laughter.

"This is too much man, I can't take it, where's my camera?" Kensuke said between bouts of laughter.

"What happened Asuka?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it, and I suggest you stooges remember what happened to Ikari after messing with the great Asuka Langley Soryu!"

All laughing promptly stopped, but smiles were clearly visible on all.

"Let's get this over with quickly baka!" Asuka said while making her way to her sink pad.

"Sure, sure." Shinji said like he didn't care one way or the other.

Shinji got in position on the pad. Asuka got in position too but didn't notice that her hands and feet were slipping just a little.  Misato pulled out a remote for the sync machine and hit play.

The music came on and three seconds later Asuka was spread eagle on the pad rubbing her chin because it hit the ground first.  Everyone, except Rei, burst out into a fresh bout of laughter at that.

"Asuka you're never going to sync lying there like that." Misato said as she caught her breath.

"Yeah demoness, can't you keep up with Shinji here, or has he already wore you out!" Toji shouted.

Asuka got up, embarrassed as she might be, her pride wouldn't let her quit.

_She's gonna do it again! This is better than I ever thought it could be!_

"You okay Asuka?"

"Shut up Shinji!"

Misato hit the play button again. The music started again.  Asuka fell again.  This time though Asuka was in the middle of a flip when she landed on her hands, which promptly slipped out from under her making her land on her back then slide off the sync pad and crash into the wall behind her.

"You know the French have a bad enough rep as it is Asuka, now your going to single handedly get them labeled as clumsy too." Kensuke said after a minute long fit of laughter.

Everyone laughed even harder after Kensuke's comment.

_Time to amend the plan._

"Asuka, did you wash up after dinner?" Shinji asked looking genuinely curious.

"Of course I did!"

"It looks like your hands are glistening, and your hair looks oily too, maybe you should go wash up while I wipe your mat off, because it looks like your hair got some oil on the mat too."

Asuka reaches up to grab her hair, and runs her hands through it, sure enough, her hair feels a little oily.  She looked down at her hands and pad, they seemed to be glistening too.

Shinji watched as Hikari got up and walked over to Asuka.

_This is going to be great!_

"Hear let me see."  Asuka tried to pull away as Hikari reached to her hair, but alas she was too slow.

"Ewww!  It is oily….." Hikari said while scrunching up her nose.

"…..and you smell a little too."

Asuka looked between everyone there, they were all laughing at her.  They were not supposed to be laughing at her, she was better than all of them.

Shinji swore he saw a tear in her eye as she pushed her way through he and Hikari to get to the bathroom.

_Maybe I took it a little too far.  Nahh! This is good for her, builds character._

From out of nowhere Rei spoke up.

"I believe I have misinformed the commander of your situation.  He will have to be informed of this new information."

_What?!_

"What?!"

"He will be pleased to know you pleasure yourself in the bathroom."

Shinji fell straight back at that, everyone else laughed like hell.

_Rei has violated the doctrine now, well not really violated but I feel the need to retaliate anyway._

_Maybe I'm going a little overboard on this "not taking anymore shit thing"._

_Nah._

_AN:  Thanks for reviews.  Those of you who love Asuka dearly don't distress, she may become the center of Shinji's affections before long.  Notice, I inserted scene breakers this time, still trying to figure this stuff out ya know.  If you wanna see this go anywhere, or anykind of pranks happen just e-mail me and I'll see if I can fit it in. Oh! And let me know if there are any mistakes because I don't have a pre-reader thingy.  Untill next time._


	4. Chapter 4 The Teeny Weenie

Disclaimer:  I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.  A company named Gainax does.  If they request I take this off of the net then I will.

A/N:  This one probably won't be that funny.  I gotta start like a bond or something between them for the sync training.  Read it anyway.

If it is in Italics, it is thought

If not in Italics it is either descriptive or action

If it is in "…" then apparently this is speech.

The Ikari Doctrine: Part 4 / The Teeny Weenie

: SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1"Come out Asuka, everybody's gone now." Misato yelled through Asuka's door.

"What about Shinji?"

"Shinji lives here Asuka, of course he's still here."

"Well then I'm not coming out!"

"You'll have to sleep together for your sync training Asuka, which I might add isn't going very well."

"I would rather the angel win and me be damned to hell than sleep in the same vicinity as that baka!"

"Well then I'll pair him up with Rei.  I'm sure she'd be able to beat the angel."

_And now she opens her door and reluctantly agrees._

The door slides open to reveal a very funny but yet angry looking Asuka.

"I would rather sleep with this baka than have wonder girl have a ones ups on me!"

_What kind of logic is that?_

Shinji decides to jump in the conversation at this point.

"So let me get this straight, you would rather be damned to hell than sleep in a room with me, but yet you would sleep in a room with me to beat Rei out of a chance to pilot your eva against an angel."

"Of course, dumb ass!"

"Do you even listen to yourself when you speak?"

"NO, now shut up and get ready to sleep!"

Misato, not interested in the least by the squabble, decided to take her leave.

"Look children, I'm going to my room, only disturb me if the building catches on fire."

The children heads both followed Misato's body across the room to the fridge, where she abducted a six pack, and then back across to her room.

"Now look third chi…"

Asuka watched Shinji's face go from its' normal innocent face to one more accurately characterized by evil.

"What?"

"I'm just glad you had a shower before you came out, after all you did have quite a lot of "Pam" on you."

"Explain yourself, what is "Pam"?"

"You mean you've never heard of it?" He asked with a psuedo shocked expression.

"You must not cook."

Asuka sneered.

"It's a no-stick cooking spray, you know that means, it's reeaal slippery."

"What does that have to do wit….."

Asuka's deadpanned as realization took hold of her.

_Oh I love being evil….. I wonder if dad likes being evil?_

"I'm going to kill you, you know that don't you?" Asuka stated in a voice much too calmly, but it phased Shinji only for a second.

Shinji started to pace around Asuka, circling her like she was some kind of prey.

"Let's go over the facts Asuka, you know, just to put things into perspective."

"This morning I retaliated against your initial attacks, then after that you "tried" to retaliate against me this morning at school, and I use the word tried because by tomorrow the damage you did will be cleaned up and you'll be the one that comes out looking bad, I made you look even worse in front of your best friend, your archenemy, the stooges, and your new guardian.  Think about it, your best friend now questions your hygiene, oh that's just rich don't ya think?  And I didn't even count on Misato's aid, what with the French man's face it just made my retaliation all the sweeter…..  You don't have a problem with the description of the days' events so far do you?"

"No, that all seems about right." Asuka absently stated.

_There's a knife in the kitchen, I'll kill him while he sleeps.  Then I'll put the knife in Misato's hand and claim innocence. _

"Whatever leverage you had on me is completely gone aside from killing me in my sleep, but that's just cowardly, don't you agree?"

_Damn, he's got a point._

"Yes, it would be cowardly."  Asuka admitted, her head now pointed at the ground.

_She almost looks like a child getting scolded for stealing a cookie.  This is great!_

"Now why don't you just say what the doctrine asks you to say and end all this nonsense?"

At that Asuka seemed to regain her fire, which prompted Shinji to stop his pacing.

"Now listen here third child" she said while making an advance on him.

"Asuka!"

She poked him in the chest.

"Langley!"

She poked him again.

"Soryu!"

The next poke was more like a punch as it knocked him back onto his futon. She glared down at him a moment before she continued.

"does not give up!  As a matter of fact, I would rather die trying than give up!"

_God I lover her!_

"Well, we've got a long day ahead of us tomorrow... (especially you)... might as well get some sleep." Shinji said while laying back on his futon.

_What?!_

"This conversation is not over BAKA!" Asuka waved her hands around frantically as if referring to the conversation that was looming over them.

"I didn't say it was, we can pick it up some time tomorrow." He waved his hand in the direction she waved hers.  "It'll still be there in the morning so let's just get some sleep now and I promise we'll talk about it tomorrow."

Asuka still loomed over him, eyeing him wearily.

_What the hell does he have up his sleeve!?!  This shit is driving me crazy!!_

Shinji resisted the urge to laugh at the redheaded French man as she eyed him like he was about to jump up and tackle her.

"O.K. but no funny business tonight, agreed?"

"Agreed"

"Good. I hope you have horrible dreams."  Asuka huffed out as she lay down.

"Good night Asuka, and don't worry I will." 

Asuka turned her body away from Shinji as a show of confidence.

_I wonder what he meant by that.  Does he have bad dreams like I do? Dreams of his mama? Maybe I'll ask him sometime……_

That was the last thought the second child had as she drifted into a rare restful sleep.

Shinji lay there staring up at the ceiling pondering the girl lying next to him.

_I wonder when I figured it out.  I know I love her, well I like her a lot anyway.  Not till just now did I realize it though.  Hell, today is the best day I've had in eleven years.  I feel good around her, sure she's crazy, stuck up, and mean as hell, but there's something there, like she's been through the same kind of bullshit life that I've been through and this is just her way of dealing with the pain….._

_ To bad I'm gonna have to break her ass down tomorrow though._

 At this thought Shinji grinned up at the ceiling.

_Maybe if she breaks down tomorrow she'll open up to me…. yeah there's a snowball's chance in hell that's going to happen._

Shinji closed his eyes and began to think of how funny it would be to see his dad throwing snowballs.  With disturbing thoughts like these he fell into a deep sleep.

Permanent marker and superglue, that's what Asuka had in her evil claws 2 hours after Shinji had drifted off to sleep.  She had slept a while too, good sleep actually, but then thoughts of Shinji slipped into her dreams, and in the natural order of succession came thoughts of revenge.  She went back to the kitchen to put the marker and glue up when another idea struck her, but it would have to wait till just before he woke up.  She laid back down on her futon facing Shinji so that she might view her greatest revenge to date.

_I like him better this way, backbone and all.  He's not that bad really, no Kaji, but still not that bad.  He's probably already made up his mind about me though.  Bitch, stuck up, hateful, and demoness.  All very accurate descriptions of me really, probably labeled all of those in his mind, if not more.  It's okay though, I don't need him and he'll find that out when he wakes up.  Asuka Langley Soryu can take care of herself!_

These thoughts continued on until her final act of revenge for the morning was scheduled.

Asuka was kneeled down in front of Shinji watching his peaceful form as he slept

_He looks kinda cute…. Too BAAAD_!

She brought her finger down to his nose and flicked it.

Shinji was reliving the first angel attack yet again, his mind still registering the pain from the angel's mighty spike.  Shinji watched in horror as the angel stopped banging the spike against his eva's head and… began to flick his nose?  

_That's not right._

_Owww!_

Shinji swatted at whatever the intruder was that would dare interrupt his first great battle.

_Wet. Cold. Mushy._

Shinji blinked open his eyes finding Asuka's lovely French face staring back at him.

"Gotcha! Ya hentai baka!!"

_Bitch! _Shinji sneered at the thought.

He licked his lips to find the minty taste of toothpaste greet his taste buds.

_Could be worse._

Shinji then tried to move his other arm, the one without the toothpaste all over it, and the action only resulted in him moving his head to the side.

_What the hell?!_

He wiggled his body up to a sitting position and looked around till he found Misato with a beer tilted to her lips; apparently she was in mid sip.

"Why didn't you stop this Misato!!!?"

"Hey don't blame me!! The deed was done when I got here.  Lighten up, it really is funny!"

"You think it's funny huh?"

"As long as it's not happening to me."

_Damn! My list keeps getting bigger and bigger. I'll chalk it up to indirect involvement._

"Shit!!"  Shinji exclaimed as he tried to rip his hand from his head for the second time.

Asuka stopped her giggling and decided to actively participate in the conversation.

"Just go wash the smurffishness off your face and get ready for school baka."

"Yeah, yeah." Shinji got up and muttered curses under his breath directed at his two roommates.

Asuka watched Shinji walk towards the bathroom, admiring her handiwork.

_That is the funniest thing I've ever seen._  She thought as she observed the great third child try to knock his hand from his face resulting in him spinning in circles.

Shinji walked into the bathroom and reached for the faucet with his "good hand." He fumbled with it a bit before he decided that his fingers were also glued together.

"You glued my fingers together too?!!" He yelled after sticking his head out of the bathroom door.

"Of course you dumb ass, I was going for all out embarrassment not mild shock."

"Touché."

Shinji used his forearm to turn the water on and rubbed the toothpaste off until there were only small streaks of blue left.  He then carried on his regular functions as best he could, using the bathroom was particularly difficult but he managed to get through it.  You can imagine the rest of his chores didn't go smoothly either.  He did notice though, when looking in the mirror, that his face had also become more "French" looking, except for the giant "Bert" like eyebrow she had masterfully drawn over and between his existing eyebrows.

_Maybe I confused love with hate._

Once done in the bathroom he headed to his room as quickly as possible managing to only earn a few snickers from the witches at the kitchen table.

_Okay, let's get dressed._

He realized quite quickly that assistance would be needed.

_Misato or Asuka?  Misato, no brainer._

"Misato could you come in here please?"

"Sure thing sweetie!" Misato replied, with too much of a predatory smile.

_Well, I knew I was screwed either way, might as well get it with lube._

"Bring some scissors and duck tape too!"

"OHH!! I knew you were rough, but this is like a whole new Shinji!"

"Stop encouraging his hentai thoughts Misato, I have to live with him too ya know!" Asuka yelled at Misato.

"Oh but don't you find it hard to resist his charms Asuka?"

"Ha, he's got about as much charm as that rude little penguin!"

Pen pen, who had been in his fridge till now, stuck his head out and squawked.

_Hey bitch, I got 10 pieces of penguin ass last week alone with this charm!  _

Back in Shinji's room he tried not to think of Misato totally nude with hands bound in duck tape, because he figured an erection would only add to the assault on his dignity.  Of course tried doesn't necessarily mean succeeded.

Misato gathered the need supplies and headed for the young Ikari's room.

"Haha! We really need to put some meat on your bones babe, you look like a rail… and in more ways that one."

_Great she sees it.  That's either a good thing or bad since my shorts are off and I'm standing here in my freaking briefs!!!_

"Can we just do this Misato!!?!"

"Well I didn't know you wanted to move this quickly, but it does appear that you're ready."

_Fine! I can play too!!_

"Well hop on and go for a ride baby, you know your just itching for it!"  Shinji exclaimed with a feral grin.

Misato's mind went from playful to a state of total disarray.

"WHATT?!!!"

Asuka, fully dressed and rearing to go, interjected herself in the convo from her location at Shinji's door

"Told you he was a hentai baka, but no you just wouldn't listen would you?"

Misato stalked back to Shinji's door and slammed it in Asuka's face, apparently angry on having the tables turned on her teasing frenzy.  She then turned back and growled out

"Let's get this over with."

"Fine by me SWEETIE!" Shinji shot back.

Misato dressed Shinji like he was just a yearling, putting on his socks for him and then aligning his pants with his feet so he could stand up and have them pulled up to the appropriate height. Maybe a little higher to induce both pain and pleasure for the two.  Who got the pain and who got the pleasure I leave to you for deduction.  She then took his inner and outer shirts, cutting them strait from his shirts' short sleeves to their collars.

She then slid the shirts on Shinji, duck taping the newly cut sleeves back together as she puts each shirt on him.

"Well, you look as handsome as ever."

"Thanks, that means a lot to me." The sarcasm was evident to say the least.

Shinji slid his door back with his one free but yet disabled hand.  There he viewed the beautiful second child waiting patiently for him with a huge smile plastered on her face.

_Suddenly her face doesn't seem that funny._

"Let's go Asuka." Shinji said while struggling with his school bag.  

"What? No breakfast?" Asuka asked with a smirk.

"Let's GO ASUKA!!"

"Yes, let's!" Asuka said between her fits of giggling.

And with a swoosh of the door they were off.

"Geez! He didn't even thank me for feelin him up! Misato said, now frustrated to no end that her teasing abilities had been significantly diminished.

Shinji plopped himself down in his seat when he got in the classroom, when he had entered he received a mixture of amused and bewildered expressions, not to mention the 10 or so classmates still weeping in the floor.  Asuka received some of the teasing too, but apparently the reaction he expected from her French Man's face was dwarfed by his own predicament. The walk to school sucked for Shinji due to the fact that Asuka decided to trip him and he conveniently forgot that his hand was glued to his face resulting in a scrape to the forehead.

_I don't see what's so funny._

"Sooo, what's up Shin-man?" Kensuke ventured.

_My God!! That is the funniest thing I have ever seen!!!_

"Yeah man, something looks… off today." Toji quipped in.

_Is it some kind of new trend, maybe I should try it._

Shinji sneered at the other two stooges.

_They must want to go on the list too._

"No offense man" Kensuke added at his friends' evil expression "but something happened, right?"

Shinji shook his head, as he did he caught Rei staring at him in what appeared to be amusement.

_So she does have a semblance of emotion, good it'll make getting her payback all the sweeter._

 He turned back to his friends.

"I'll tell you about it later on, did you bring the camera?"

_What Asuka did this morning just makes this all the easier on the conscious, not that it was ever hard._

"Got the camera and added in the camcorder for insurance."

"Good. Good."  Shinji said while patting his chin, since he couldn't rub it, and smiling evilly.

His friends resisted the urge to laugh as his brow creased turning his uni-brow into a sharp V.

"During the class change before gym we need to rush to "The Spot"."

"What "SPOT"?" Toji asked

"Where we take pictures of the girls locker room dumb ass." Kensuke whispered to Toji before Shinji could say the exact same thing.

_But why?_ Kensuke thought.

"We've already got pictures of all the girls Shin-man, so why take more?"

"We're going to get some pictures a little more…. revealing today, my friends."

The teacher came into the classroom as the stooges finished their conversation.  After the normal routine Shinji did the only thing he could do till lunch.  He propped his head up on his elbow.

_This is the only damn thing I can do now!! Can't even type hate messages to the demoness._

BRINNG!

Shinji tried to roll his head off of his hand after his nap, but that only resulted in him slamming his head on his desk.

_I'll have a damn concussion before the day is over with!! _

He slowly blinked the sleep out of his eyes.  He saw the end of Asuka's mane as she exited the classroom.

AAAND ACTION!

Shinji smiled as he got up from his seat, apparently his friends were too hungry to wait for him, no matter though, he wasn't going to sit with them today anyway.

He strolled out of the classroom and straight to the girls' side of the lunchroom, all the while mentally preparing himself for his longest speech ever.  He passed Asuka and Hikari as he made his way to were the main population of "normal girls" sat, he only received a stuck out tongue from Asuka and a sheepish smile from Hikari.  

_Thank God there out of earshot today._

 All of the girls' eyes were on Shinji as he approached the center of the group.  What little whispering there was died when Shinji cleared his throat.

"Beautiful ladies of Tokyo-3 municipal junior high, allow me to steal just a moment of your time.  I'm sure you all know me, Shinji Ikari pilot of the evangelion"

He paused to make sure all of the girls had comprehended that he was actually talking to them.

 "and if you know me than I'm sure you know my lovely roommate the very stuck up Asuka Langley Soryu."

He received vigorous nods after that, whether they were agreeing with the snob part or just admitting they knew her he didn't know, but he had a good idea.

 "By the looks on your faces I'm sure you like her even less than I."

Again vigorous nods.

_Looks like I'm not the only one with the opinion._

"Just look what she did to my face, I would love nothing more than to live in piece at my own house but I can't even do that."

He jumped up on one of the benches then up to the table, where he began to pace the length of it slowly so all girls could see him.

All the girls giggled at his appearance.

"I'm sure you have heard by now that what she spoke of me yesterday was an outright lie.  I pride myself on being a gentleman as most of you lovely ladies know."

He gave them a flashy smile and all heads nodded, but this time one of the girl's was forward enough to speak up.

"I knew you weren't like that Shinji, you're too sweeeet to do something like that!"

_Good, Hikari did her part.  That makes it even more believable._

 "I am also a very forgiving person, I forgive Asuka for her lies and for what you can plainly see she did to me this morning, but there is one thing I cannot forgive, and that is that she has purposely deceived you all."

Questioning looks appeared on all the girls faces upon the announcement.

"Not only did she deceive you, but she tried to make you all feel inadequate when it was herself that was inadequate the whole time.  In my opinion each one of you can be compared to the stars in the heavens." 

As he was finishing his sentence he bent down and cupped one of the prettier girls' cheeks in his hand.  She seemed to melt at his touch.

_Hey!!  This eva pilot thing might have its bonuses; she looks like a great one nighter!_

He stood back up and resumed his pacing.

"Her deceit runs deep my friends, she goes to the locker room with you when in reality she shouldn't be there at all and uses the bathroom with you all as well. Why, you may ask, is this so deceitful?  That is simple, Asuka Langley Soryu was born both a man and a woman."

Shinji watched the pretty faces of the schools female population contort into faces of absolute shock and horror; he also noticed that two of the girls would never hear the rest of his speech. 

_That's the reaction I was aiming for!  _Shinji thought with great satisfaction.

"Her mom and dad decided to raise her as woman instead of a man, but she still has the remnants of a penis."

Three more of the girls dismissed themselves from the speech as soon as the word "penis" left his mouth.

"You may ask how I know this.  I walked in the bathroom yesterday evening to find one Asuka Langley Soryu" he said her name with no shortness of sarcasm.  "using the bathroom standing up."

Anther girl's mind reached the breaking point.

_Damn! At this rate there won't be any more girls left to carry out the rest of the plan._

  That's right, she has what I like to call a "teeny weenie."  Her breasts aren't real either, just how could they be so perfect you have asked, that's easy, they are silicone bra inserts.  If you want proof just ask her today in the locker room, I'm sure you'll be just as shocked as I was."

All the girls nodded as Gendo Jr. hopped off the table.

After ensuring that the idea had sunk into there heads to ask her in the locker room he backed away from the crowd.

"Now ladies, I must take my leave, good day."

_Oh the looks on their faces were priceless!  Part A of the plan has been accomplished.  Part B Asuka's pride.  Now to wait for Gym class._

***********************************************************************

"I wonder what Shinji was doing talking to all the girls at lunch."

"Probably trying to explain his stupid face and stupid arm glued to his stupid face."

"Maybe."

"Who cares anyway....? I can't wait till gym class, I can't stand these booooring lectures."

"I know what you mean."

The teacher walks in the classroom and Hikari brings the class to order.

The time passes quickly for Asuka, mainly because she was daydreaming about Kaji.

The class bell rings signaling the class change, Asuka watches as the three stooges run out of the classroom in record time.

_Why the hell are they so excited? ..... Whatever._

"Let's go Hikari, I want to show the other girls how my figure is so much better than theirs."

"Sure Asuka." Hikari says brightly.

They both got up and proceeded to the girls' locker room to change.

When they got there though, they were met with giggles and whispers.  

"What the hell's so funny!!?"  Asuka shouted to the crowd of giggling girls.

One of the girls spoke up for the rest of them.

"Were afraid that we're going to need proof that you're really a girl Asuka."

"What do you mean really a girl?  What else would I be?"

"We heard you had a teeny weenie!" one of the younger girls piped up from the back of the crowd.

"A WHAT!!!"

"Shinji said you were both male and female, so we're going to need proof."

"YOU BELIEVED THAT BAKA!!!?"

"He also said that your breasts weren't real, I'm afraid we're going to have to see for ourselves."

"Fine, but it's not my fault if you're jealous."

_This will easily clear my name, baka Shinji wasted his time with this one._

Asuka jumped up on the bench and pulled up her shirt and then undid her bra. 

She turned a circle for all the girls to see.  Indeed it was an impressive sight to behold.

Asuka breasts weren't too large or too small and her nipples pointed towards the ceiling ever so slightly.

Asuka beamed at the reaction she got from her breasts.

_And from girls at that. Their so jealous of my ample breasts and perfect nipp..._

FLASH

_What was that?_

Asuka turns to look out the window at the flash, realization sank in after two more flashes.

FLASH

FLASH

"OH MY GOD!!!  There taking pictures of me!!

The girls turned to look out the window as Asuka tried to put her bra back on and run from the camera at the same time.

"Did you see anything?" Hikari asked another girl

"No, did you?"

"Nope."  

_What's your game Shinji?_

************************************************************************

"Did you get it all?" 

"Every inch of taught, firm...."

"SHUT UP!! Don't talk about her like that.  Just tell me if you got it."

Kensuke now visibly shaken from Shinji's outburst answered the question.

"I got it sir."

"I...I'm sorry Kensuke, I didn't mean to snap."

"That's okay man, no offense taken."

"I think Ikari's in love with the she devil Kensuke! Toji exclaimed.

"AND WHAT IF I AM?" yelled Shinji.

Both of his friends backed up.

_This Mo Fo is crazy!_

"Just give me the memory cards and forget everything you saw. Got it!"

Kensuke made his exit, stage left, after handing over the memory cards.

Toji made one last comment "I can't blame you, that's one sweet ass!"

_I concur._

************************************************************************

Rei sat at a distance and observed the goings on around her.

_It is better that he touches himself while looking at pictures anyway._

A/N:  Not funny right?  Well maybe the next chapter will tickle your fancy.  Thanks for the reviews, especially when there are a lot better stories out there than mine.


	5. Chapter 5 Loyalty of Friends

Disclaimer:  I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.  A company named Gainax does.  If they request I take this off of the net then I will.

A/N:  This one probably won't be that funny.  I gotta start like a bond or something between them for the sync training.  Lot of mistakes in this chapter, sort of in a rush, I got midterms this week so brainpower has been cut to a minimum (you know like breathing) Read it anyway.

If it is in Italics, it is thought

If not in Italics it is either descriptive or action

If it is in "…" then apparently this is speech.

The Ikari Doctrine: Chapter 5 / The Loyalty of Friends

Shinji turned away from Toji and Kensuke with memory sticks in hand and began to head back to his apartment.  He got about ten steps before he remembered a crucial part of the plan.

_Damn I must be slippin._

He turned around and jogged back up to Kensuke and Toji.

"Forget something Shinji?"

"Yeah, sort of.  Look, I appreciate you two helping me out with my plans and I'm real sorry for what Asuka is going to do to whoever she catches first, probably some form of physical torture that may lead to a merciful death,  but now it has turned in to an "every man for himself" kinda situation.  Toji and I both can run pretty fast so I'm sure we can avoid the bloodthirsty red head that is sure to be after us.  That just leaves you Kensuke.  I truly am sorry, so I got you this."  Shinji pulled a little stunner out of his pocket and handed it to a dreadful looking Kensuke.  "While she is ruthlessly beating you touch the end of it to her and press the button, that should give you just enough..."

Shinji looked past Kensuke's stunned face to see a redhead run out of the locker rooms and look to the left and right.

_Time to make tracks._

"Good luck and see you later….hopefully."

Shinji took off like a bolt of lightning without a second glance leaving the other two stooges with looks of betrayal written all over their faces.

Kensuke was the first to recover and recognized the device in his hand.  He looked over at Toji and decided that his friend wouldn't come out of the shocked state he was in for a moment or so.  He turned around to look at an angry looking redhead about fifty feet away scanning the area for…him.

_Now I see why Shinji left so abruptly.  I believe I got the raw end of the deal on this one, just because I can't run as fast as moron over here… yes moron over here!_

By this time Toji came out of the stupor he was in and turned to Kensuke.

Toji looked to where Kensuke's eyes were plastered to see the redhead recognize him at the same time he recognized her.

_Time to go._

"Thanks for taking one for the team Kensuke; I'll send flowers to your funeral."

_Well fuck you too Toji._  Kensuke idly thought

Toji turned to start his sprint when all of a sudden the most excruciating pain he had ever felt went coursing through his body.  Toji promptly found himself curled into a fetal position lying on the concrete.

_That should do it._  

Kensuke looked at his camera and camcorder hung around his neck and decided that they weren't worth taking the risk, _I can always get knew ones, so he deposited them on Toji's shaking form.  He turned back to see the redhead gaining ground on the two of them so he decided to make a dash for it._

_Just one more thing though._

"Thanks for taking one for the team Toji."  He said, with little loss of sarcasm, while bending down and putting the stunner beside Toji, and just like that the bi-spectacled boy disappeared into the rest of the crowd.

_Betrayed by my best of friends._

Toji regained the sense of sight only to find the object of his hatred staring down at him evilly; he desperately tried to reach for the stunner only to find his coordination was thrown off by the earlier shock to his nervous system.  Asuka bent down and picked up the stunner casually.

"Now what is this that you have brought for us to play with?"  Asuka asked innocently.

************************************************************************

Shinji finally slowed down as he reached the elevator too his apartment.  He decided that taking his chances was not the best of ideas.  He could handle the second child after she had vented the first wave of vengeance, he was sure the second and third waves would be diminished greatly.

"I'm home Misato!"

"Good, where's Asuka at?"  She replied sticking her head out of the kitchen area.

"She'll be another thirty minutes or so."

_My friends will likely pass out after that long then it won't be as meaningful a revenge for her._

"What's taking her so long?"

"She's venting some anger at school still, you know, the whole face thing."

"Oh… best to let her vent then." 

_I don't want to deal with her that's for sure_.

Shinji made his way over to the couch school bag in hand.  After making himself comfortable he broke out his laptop and started it up.

_Now to insure the photos aren't disposed of prematurely._

Shinji inserted the memory card into the laptop and e-mailed them to… himself.

He had already gotten a new and ambiguous e-mail account just for this purpose.

He also uploaded the pictures into a place set aside for pilot use in the Magi.

_That should do it._

He then went into Asuka's room and taped the memory cards onto the back of her bed's headboard.

_She'll never look here._

Shinji, pictures now secure, headed into the living room and plopped down on the couch like he didn't have a care in the world.  His manor might have suggested carefree but in actuality he was ready to defend against any initial attacks.  He thought he was anyway, he got the short attention span from his mom.

"I—I-I di-did-didn't d-do it-tt!"  Toji tried desperately to shout at Asuka.

_Those freaking stun guns ought to be illegalized!!_

"First of all, I know you're lying because of the camera and video camera lying beside you."

_Shit!!!!!_

"Second of all, I don't really care if you did it or not. I need something to vent my anger on and that something is YOU."  Asuka said the last part with extra emphasis.

"P-p-please…"

"Awww… begging is so cute…  That really looks like it hurts Toji."  Sarcastic again.

As a crowd gathered around the two of them Asuka decided to prove a point.

_Don't fuck with a red head!!!_

Asuka took the stunner and lowered it back down to Toji's arm. All Toji could do was pray that it didn't last much longer.

_Take me now God, I'm as ready as I'll ever be!_

The torture proceeded on and Toji's prayers went unanswered.  Even after the sweet mask of unconsciousness slipped over Toji's eyes he was still being electrocuted.

Asuka watched as Toji's legs and arms flailed about aimlessly. She knew he had passed out a couple of minutes ago but the chance that he could still subconsciously feel the sting of justice kept her going.

_This form of vengeance is getting old, I mean without the screaming it's just not as fun!_  She thought atop her perch, which happened to be Toji's lifeless form.

"Unofficial use of NERV equipment is prohibited pilot Soryu."  Came a monotone voice from somewhere in the crowd.

_AHH! She might help the situation a little!_

Asuka's mind raced to try and find a way to incorporate the blue haired girl into the boy's scheme.  Alas even the "snapped" mind of the second child knew that she didn't have the will to pull something like this off.

_I still don't like ya, so don't take offense to this._

Asuka jumped off of Toji's body and headed for Rei.

"Well I'll just give it to the wonder girl and she can take it back to NERV for me."

As she approached Rei, who had her hand out to receive the stunner, she feigned tripping.  She stumbled right into Rei, pressing the stunner against the girl's arm and depressed the button.  The shock that resulted sent the blue haired beauty right to the asphalt with a dull thud.

"Oh my!  Well accidents happen now don't they?"  Asuka said while looking snidely down at the other girl.

"Yes they do." 

Asuka blinked a couple of times trying to figure out if that was a threat or just an admission that accidents do happen.  She figured on the latter because of Rei's stoic nature.  Once certain she could safely leave without being attacked she threw the stunner down at Rei's sprawled out form.

"Whatever."  She then made her way back to her residence and to her roommate.

_Shinji must die._

Rei made it to her feet thinking almost the same thing.

_The second child will pay for her "accident"._

Rei tuned to look at a mirror placed on the side of one of the school buildings.  It seems that the electrical charge from the stunner had given her a quite stunning blue afro.

_She will pay dearly indeed_.

Shinji sat on the couch with pen pen watching reruns of Cowboy Bebop, all semblance of awareness to the outside world now gone.

"You know pen pen if her shorts were only this much higher" he used his thumb and the rest of his glued together fingers to illustrate to the penguin the amount that needed to be taken away.

"the show would be rated very differently… and I'd be a much happier fellow."

The penguin could only squawk in agreement to the statement as his small avian mind was bombarded with enticing visual images.

As soon as Shinji heard the squawk from the bird, a brief flash of white cloth whipped around the side of his neck to a hand waiting on the other side.  Before he could realize he was being attacked his windpipe was already being constricted.

_SHITT!!!!_

Shinji stood up to try and jerk the cloth out of Asuka's hands with momentum.  To Asuka's credit it seemed as though she had thought out every plausible scenario of the proceeding events and she followed suite with Shinji. She leapt onto the boy's back and wrapped her slender legs around his waste and leaned back as hard as she could.

The penguin jumped off the couch and headed to the provider of alcohol's room.

_I knew she was a little Koo-Koo but this is freaking insane!!  I gotta save the kid too, he's the only one that understands me._

"DIE YOU YARO!!"  Asuka yelled into Shinji's ear.

_I'm seriously fucked! She's actually gonna strangle me to death._

Asuka rode Shinji like a pro bull rider as he stumbled around the room trying to sling the redhead off of him.  It almost seemed like fate had it in for him, he had one hand glued to the side of his head and the other trying to clumsily rip the cloth from around his throat.  Finally, after realizing there was no way he would succeed at ridding himself of the cloth in his current condition, he decided banging her against the wall might do the trick, so he backed up against the same wall as the T.V. and began to pound her into the wall. Shinji tried desperately, already feeling delirious from the lack of oxygen, to find a solution to the current predicament he was in.  He could feel himself slipping from consciousness, his last pound against the wall had obviously not affected the girl in the least.  With the threat of imminent death he tried his last option.

_I'll never hear the end of it but it's a damn sight better than being strangled to death._

He reached his arm behind the girl and brought his hand under her school uniforms skirt to the voluptuous curves of her buttocks and gave it a quick pinch.

This brought the second child's insane thought process to a screeching halt as the only thing running through her mind now was.

_HE PINCHED MY ASS!!  WHY WOULD HE PINCH MY ASS!! DOES HE LIKE ME?!?! AS IF!!_

Her body went rigid from surprise directly after the pinch causing Asuka to lose her leverage and sending her to the floor with a loud thump.  As the cloth was released from its hold on Shinji's neck he fell to his knee's gasping for much needed oxygen.  He turned slightly to make sure the attack was over only to see Asuka scurrying into a corner of the room, eyes wide from a misunderstood action.  After the assurance of safety he fell unceremoniously sprawled out on his back never losing eye contact with the clearly insane girl.

The girl in question still had the same thought running through her head as if it was a broken record.

Shinji's thoughts on the other hand had a lesser degree of complexity to them.

_I'M ALIVE!!!  PRAISE GOD IN HEAVEN I'M ALIVE!!!_

After what seemed like a lifetime of one pilot eyeing the other and the recently strangled pilot regaining an appropriate amount of oxygen, Asuka gained the courage to speak up.

"Why'd you pinch my ass?!" Asuka asked or demanded, either way she was too disturbed to add her usual "Baka" when referring to her fellow pilot.

_What kind of dumb ass question is that?!_

"To get the grim reaper herself off of my back, you were strangling me for God's sake!" Shinji shouted back.

_He doesn't like me.  _

"That doesn't mean you should pinch my ass now does it you hentai baka pervert!!"  She yelled back while jumping to her feet.  Shinji followed suite.

"Well excuse me for breathing, literally!!!"

_This is one crazy bitch!!_

"I was TRYING to excuse you from breathing you yaro!!! You took pictures of me naked!!!"

"So when exactly does that put homicide up for debate!!!"  Shinji shot back.

"The punishment should match the crime!!!"

Shinji looked stunned.

_That's not even remotely logical?!? _

"So what you're saying is that because you got a couple of pictures take…."

Shinji was taken aback as he saw the instrument of his would be demise.

"A SOCK, YOU TRIED TO STRANGLE ME WITH A FREAKIN SOCK!!!"

As Asuka formulated a witty reply Shinji noticed where the sock came from.

"THE SOCK OFF OF YOUR FOOT!!!!!!"

"YOU COULDN'T FIND A RAG OR ROPE OR A WIRE!!!  WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SOLDIER ARE YOU!!!!"

"I-It was all I could think of!!"  Asuka tried to be forceful with her response, but she was a little confused herself.

Why _DID_ I use my sock?

"I might be a yaro but I deserve a better death than one by a sock."  Shinji started toning his voice down a little.

"NO WAY!! MY SOCKS ARE TOO GOOD FOR YOU!!!  Asuka yelled regaining her fiery spirit.

Misato and the penguin to her side had gone unseen by the pilots ever since Shinji ventured underneath Asuka's skirt.

_This is funny as hell!_

"Okay guys let's all calm down."  Misato interjected in the argument.

Both children abruptly stopped arguing turning toward Misato.

She thought she made out most of the ranting and raving directed in her direction, something about Shinji getting strangled with a sock and Asuka posing for a full frontal.

The ranting lasted about a minute before Misato took action.

_Damn it, these are the people saving everyone else's ass and their acting like spoiled brats!  I'll make'em sync yet!!_

With that self declaration she reached out and grabbed a hold of the arm still glued to Shinji's head and yanked with all her might straight down.

The look on Shinji's face could only be described as impossibly contorted as he glared down at the mass of flesh and hair which used to be attached to the side of his head.

Asuka and Misato each giggled at the boy's face until he let out an eardrum bursting scream.

Both of the women tried to cover their ears in time but damage was still done to their auditory canal's shown in proof by the loud ringing left in their ears.

Misato recovered first and slapped a pair of handcuffs on Shinji's hair covered right hand and then over the dazed Asuka's left hand.

Both teens stared dumbly at the cuffs that temporarily linked the two until they felt metal surround their legs.  The penguin scampered away from the two, his pre-assigned mission now complete.

"You two will take over each others daily actions from here on in."

"The only activities you are excused from the other carrying out are toilet and bath related.  You will not leave this apartment or have any communication whatsoever with the outside world.  I will be monitoring your activities from the adjacent apartment and will be back in one full day to resume sync-pad training."

Misato then smiled cheerfully at the two.

"C'ya"

"What guarantee do I have that this baka pervert won't look at me while I bathe?!"  Asuka yelled after her retreating guardian while pointing her hand at the previously mentioned boy, resulting in Shinji arm swinging around with hers and slapping him in the face.

"Trust.  You trust him and he trust's you."  

"THAT'S STUPID!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST THIS PERVERT?!!" She yelled in frustration at the closed door.

"HUMPHH"

Shinji smiled broadly at his companion.

"I've got an idea." 

She turned to the boy angrily. "WHAT!!!!"

"Let's take a bath!" Shinji said brightly.

She didn't even scowl at the remark, she simply reached down and grabbed a hold, none to lightly, of his most private of privates.

"I've got a better idea, let's find those pictures before I turn you into a soprano." She whispered into his ear while she squeezed slightly harder.

All he could do was nod and think.

_Too Late!_

A/N:  So that's it, appreciate the reviews, of course this one wasn't as funny as the last ones but inspiration was in low supply this week.  Oh yeah! For those of you who think I'm needlessly bashing Rei, don't worry she'll get her revenge in as well. 

Till next time.

  
  



	6. Chapter 6 The War Convention

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion. A company named Gainax does. If they request I take this off of the net then I will.

  


A/N: This one is not funny, If you think it is you should be drug outside and shot. While reading keep in mind that this borrows directly from the situation with Iraq.

If it is in Italics, it is thought

If not in Italics it is either descriptive or action

If it is in "…" then apparently this is speech.

  


The Ikari Doctrine: Chapter 6 / A War Convention

  
  


"The State of Shinji officially declares that all information regarding the possession of or use of weapons of mass destruction is deemed classified and will not be shared at this the first Katsuragi summit."

  


Shinji had long since put his "poker face" on; after all he was dealing with one of the worlds superpowers. It was hard to maintain though, the rolls of toilet tissue sticking out of his nose was a distraction in and of itself. The state of Asuka just stared right back never flinching. It was still hard to ignore the fact that their arms were laid out and linked on the table and one of each of their legs were wrapped around the bottom of the table. Looking at it from a third person point of view, they might as well call themselves the State of France and the State of Sesame Street.

  


"The State of Asuka recognizes the sovereign power of the State of Shinji and the citizen there in. We still point to Katsuragi resolution 1411 that states; all weapons of mass destruction will be turned over by the State of Shinji in a timely fashion. It also states, as I'm sure you know, that any attempt to avoid our inspections of the State will be met with overwhelming force. The State of Asuka will not be blackmailed into compliance by any of the State of Shinji's terrorist acts. Henceforth, if needed we are prepared to declare war on the State of Shinji and take away recognition of its body as a sovereign power."

  


_Resolution 1411? What the hell is that?_

  


"The State of Shinji has not and will not recognize or comply with any resolution that it has never heard of or had an impact on."

  


"The State of Shinji has no say in the resolution; it is governed by the Katsuragi accord. The Sate of Shinji will be subjugated to its will." Asuka said while jumping up from her chair. This, as all things Asuka does, had a negative impact on Shinji. It yanked his leg and arm forward. If his legs hadn't been straddling the table it would have been only a minor inconvenience. Such was not the case and Shinji howled in pain.

  


_I'm falling in love with a person who ought to be in a loony bin… and if I keep getting hit there I'll never have children._

  


Shinji sat back up as strait as he could, this time though he made sure both legs were on the outside of the table.

  


"The State of Shinji recognizes no such authority. Under the threat of war we have no other choice than to retaliate, and under the rules in war we will consider it appropriate to use any and ALL means of retaliation."

  


Asuka eased back into her chair.

  


"Then the State of Asuka, acting without the compliance of the Katsuragi accord, declares that one hour after the 7th angel is defeated all demands listed under resolution 1411 will be complied with or the State of Asuka will declare war on the State of Shinji."

  


_Now, if she just made the Katsuragi accord up and it consists of no one but her, why would she act without its compliance?_

  


"And furthermore until the appointed time inspections will continue." She added as an afterthought.

  


_Gotta find those pictures and I can't lose any time to do it in._

  


"The State of Shinji will comply with any inspections sent by the State of Asuka and ask for nothing but a peaceful end to all this nonsense."

  


"Then let the inspections begin!!" Asuka shouted while jumping to her feat once again.

  


This time though, it only yanked him out of his chair and banged his head on the side of the table.

  


_At least it didn't get anything important!!_

  


Shinji tried to make it back to his feet while he was being dragged behind the beautiful redhead but only succeeded when she got to his door and stopped her advancement on what was determined to be "Bakaraq". Shinji finally made it to his feet in time to see the door open and give them both a view into his native territory now scarred by past wars. He thought back to earlier that afternoon.

  


He remembered being dragged behind the determined 2nd child, he had tried to stand up before but it turned out he wasn't "following" fast enough and allowed himself to be dragged behind her for the next 15 minutes. She ripped almost everything in his room apart. His pillows were now scattered around the room in the forms of shredded cloth and stray puffs of cotton. His covers had been shredded as well. A lamp was the unfortunate victim of an inspection team that came in right after the first "war". He had lost it. It started out with her winning anyway. He only got out of the communication black out when his enemy removed her death hold from around his "Mini-Me" to shed light upon his "territory". He thought he had her down for the count when the psychological attack he used earlier in the day came to mind. Sadly the enemy had become conditioned to that form of attack. All it resulted in was a cheap feel and what he could only deem a flying head butt to the nose. He thought his nose was broken at first but it stopped hurting after a while and stopped bleeding with the application of toilet paper. After the show of overwhelming force he reluctantly admitted loss and allowed the inspection teams to enter his territory per conditions of the surrender. It only stopped when she determined she was thirsty and needed a rest from "dragging his sorry ass around".

  


Time for memories of war was cut short as the inspections began again. This time though he could read her eyes and tell exactly what she was going to destroy next.

If he had the weapon in his territory still, it would be almost too easy to hide it from where the inspector was heading.

  


_That's the thing, the best place to hide weapons of mass destruction is in the country you plan to use them on._

  


He watched yet again as his only earthly possessions were ripped and shredded, even the light cover came off. After checking for weapons she broke it over her knee just for spite. She was going to his closet next, he could see her eyeing it as the satisfying snap, for her that is, of his light cover rebounded of the bare walls of his room. He started moving before she did and sure enough that was where she was headed.

  


_Great! Now I gotta get new school uniforms. It'll be worth it in the end though; this is such a minor price to pay for the glory of revenge._

  


Asuka glanced over at Shinji as she was tearing his last pair of school pants up.

  


_Damn him to hell!! He's freaking smiling! I'm tearing his stuff up and he's smiling!_

  


This, of course, made the irate redhead tear all the harder and frown all the deeper. Her pace increased greatly as well.

  


Shinji was smiling and looking around the rest of the room as his new companion and enemy raised a question... or statement.

  


"Well, well! No one told me the invincible Third Child played the cello!"

  


_Oh shit!_

  


"Let's see what kind of havoc we can reek with it!" She stated as she reached in for the cello.

  


"Don't touch the cello Second child!"

  


Asuka recoiled immediately at the voice of the pissed off Ikari.

  


_Apparently when you piss him off he sounds like his dad._

  


"R-resolution 1411 sta.."

  


"Cut the bullshit! If you lay a finger on that cello I'm going to bite your ear clean off your head."

  


Asuka would have thought he was joking around if it not for the cold stare he was giving her.

  


_Damn, that must be why the commander where's his glasses, he doesn't want to scare everybody to death._

  


Of course Asuka's pride wouldn't let her give up that easily.

  


"If you bite my ear off I'll just have to kill you." She tried to say it casually as if she didn't care but it came off as strained.

  


_Damn my nerves! _

  


"I'll admit you might get me in the end, but I'll take your ear out, and maybe even your nose or lip."

  


It would have sounded funny if he would have put some kind of emotion into it but he didn't and his eyes still remained just as cold. Asuka backed away with her free foot as Shinji eyed her like a hawk sizing up its prey.

  


"O-Ok S-Shinji, I'll allow this one concession." She said it almost questioningly.

  


"Yes, by all means, allow it."

  


_He apparently stands up for what he cares about. Note to self: Don't fuck with the cello._

  


Asuka glanced around the closet quickly as Shinji kept his eyes trained on her.

  


"Ok, looks like your room is clean of the memory stick so lets head to the living room next."

  


_Anything for you to go back to "wimpy Shinji."_

  


Shinji just kept his eyes on her as she cautiously swivelled around him and then followed her as she made her way out of his room.

  


Once in the living room Asuka assessed the situation with Shinji.

She found that he was back to "normal" and continued her search in the living room.

  


After a grueling three hours of searching she decided that the search would be fruitless and directed Shinji to make dinner. The menu as Asuka decided it would be grilled fish and miso soup. Shinji had no opinion one way or the other of the meal but he insisted that she do her part. That was a mistake on his part. While Shinji was a perfectionist at his work and greatly disliked any change from the norm Asuka could care less about getting it perfect and was doing her best to piss him off.

  


The problem started with the comment "If you don't stir it more the bottom will burn."

Shinji thought it was a helpful suggestion while Asuka took it as a characterization of her entire life and not just the soup.

  


"Are you saying I can't do anything right Third child?!"

  


_Why me lord! Why me!?_

  


"It was just a suggestion Asuka."

  


"Oh don't you give me that "it was just a suggestion" crap! You don't think I can do anything right."

  


_I'll never understand how a woman can take the littlest suggestion and turn it into a Pandora's Box of degrading remarks._

  


"Well, you tore my room and life apart in record time so that's something you can do right."

  


"Well aren't we being the little smart ass today!"

  


Shinji put his spatula down and scratched his head thoughtfully.

  


"Although, you did do a good job of screwing up when we were battling against the angel."

  


Whack!

  


The first hit stunned Shinji.

  


Whack!

  


The second hit clued him in on the fact that a ladle was impacting his head.

  


Whack!

  


The third hit he had his spatula halfway to blocking position.

  


The fourth hit never came though. Shinji opened his eyes from the attack and saw a calm looking second child stirring a pot of miso soup. He let a breath of relief pass through his lips and brought his spatula back down to flip the fish.

  


Whack!

  


_Damn it!_

  


"Damn it Asuka!"

  


"Well it serves you right, you know I had no idea the angel could do that!"

  


"Your right! You're right. I ended up eating dirt too you know."

  


"Well then don't say anything else about it!"

  


"I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

  


_Just as long as you don't whack me with the ladle I'll say whatever you want._

  


"So exactly why did you take the pictures of me?" She asked idly while re-inserting the ladle into the pot.

  


"To use to while "touching" myself, you know like Rei suggested." He said casually.

  


Asuka, for her part, didn't react to the new information the way he thought.

  


"Really?"

  


_He is a total pervert._

  


Shinji chuckled at her question.

  


"No, I was just kidding. I would never look at them."

  


Whack!

  


"What was that for?!"

  


"That was for thinking like the perverted stooge that you are."

  


"ARGHH! I can't win can I?"

  


"No. I will always win and you will always lose. It's like being an Eva pilot, I will always be better than you."

  


_It's like living with a dictator._

  


"Of course, you're right."

  


"Now you're understanding it! Good stooge."

  


She patted him on the head causing him to slap himself several times.

  


"Fish is done!"

  


"Err... soup is done... I guess?" Asuka eyed the soup and Shinji questioningly.

  


Shinji put his finger in the soup, much to Asuka's horror, and tasted it.

  


"Done!"

  


"Ewww, you put your finger in it!"

  


"So, it's clean!"

  


"That is sooo not the point!"

  


_That's so gross._

  


"Well if it disturbs you so much I won't do it again."

  


"Good!"

  


"Plate!"

  


Asuka reached up and pulled two plates from the cabinet and passed one to Shinji. He slapped a piece of fish on it and then reached up into his cabinet and pulled out a bowl.

Asuka ladled soup into the bowl and this then repeated itself. They carried each plate to the table and sat down to dinner.

  


"So how is this going to work?" Shinji asked.

  


"What?"

  


"Well Misato said we have to do stuff for each other, right?"

_Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!_

  


"ARGHH! Ok Ok! You feed me the fish and I'll feed you the soup."

  


"NO WAY!"

  


"Why not?"

  


_What's his deal?_

  


"You'll purposefully spill it on me."

  


_Oh! That would have been a good idea._

  


"Whatever.... Baby, we'll do it your way."

  


"Good."

  


The events of the near future were comical and that's putting it lightly. Eventually though they were in a pretty good rhythm.

  


"So… Which stooge do I have to kill for seeing those pictures?"

  


"I didn't let them see them."

  


"And may I ask why not?"

  


"Are you disappointed they didn't see them?"

  


"No, just wondering what prompted your distorted act of chivalry."

  


"Well... your really too beautiful to be ogled."

  


_Did I just say that?_

  


_Did he just say that?_

  


"A-And don't forget it... so why did you take em if you're not gonna show em to people."

  


"Oh well that's easy. If you fuck with me too much my mind set just might change."

  


"So don't mess with you too much and my gorgeous body won't be ogled by perverts?"

  


"That was the gist of the thing."

  


_Damn! I got to get those pics back._

"Looks like we're done."

  


"I'll tell you when I'm done Third child!"

  


Asuka looked at both empty plates and bowls.

  


"I'm done."

  


_I truly am in hell._

  


"Listen Asuka, I really have to go to the bathroom now."

  


"Now you listen Third child, there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm going to the bathroom with you."

  


"I just have to pee."

  


"NO!"

  


"If you don't come... I will be forced to wet myself."

  


"So?!

  


_It's you not me!_

  


"You forget we are linked together."

  


_Damn_

  


"Well then let's get this over with damn it!"

  


The pair of them made their way to the bathroom.

  


***********************************************************************

  


A pair of binoculars scanned the schoolyard from an alley about 100 meters away. The figure was searching for something in particular it seemed as the owner of the binoculars let loose a sigh after finding it.

  


"There you are Toji."

  


Kensuke had ingested dinner after sacrificing his friend to the red devil. Only after he had a full belly did he decide to head back to the school grounds to make sure his friend wasn't dead or dying.

  


Kensuke was showing off his best covert moves as he slipped from one obstruction to the next, doing his best to stay within the shadows. After what seemed like an eternity he made it to his huddled mass of a friend.

  


He grabbed the jock by his arms and hauled him up to a sitting position on one of the schools benches. He then shook his friend by the shoulders.

  


Nothing.

  


He shook him harder.

  


Nothing.

  


He slapped him.

  


Nothing.

  


He slapped him six more times.

  


Nothing.

  


He was about to give up on waking the brute when he remembered what was in his shirt pocket. A Slim Jim. Kensuke opened the package and broke the Slim Jim in half. He then waved the tube of various minced animal parts right below the jocks nose.

  


A slight jerk of the head.

  


Toji regained consciousness for the first time after his brutal torture and was greeted by the lovely sight of his best friend, Kensuke Aida.

Kensuke looked on at the jock, it seems that Asuka had used the discarded stunner on the boy. This was evident by the twitch in his friends right eye. If Kensuke wasn't afraid of the repercussions he might have laughed. It was then though, that the jock let loose a great smile, gave the boy a big thumbs up, and said...

  


"I did it Kensuke, I took one for the team."

  


He had said it like a child asking their mother to look at a new finger painting. As soon as he said it though, the jock passed right back out.

  


Kensuke shook his head while looking at the jock.

  


_Asuka really fucked you up._

  


It was at this last thought that the third stooge made his way back home, reasoning it would be better for Toji to just stay at school... and it would be easier on his back.

  


***********************************************************************

  
  
  


"What do you want me to do?"

  


_She calls me a baka._

  


"Just turn around and don't look."

  


"So you don't want me to hold it?"

  


"Why on God's green earth would I want you to hold it?!!"

  


"I don't know, you don't have to bite my head off about it!!"

  


_What a dumb ass!_

  


"Just turn around."

  


"Whatever."

  


Asuka threw her nose up to the ceiling "hmphed" and crossed her arms making Shinji's arm fly over to her.

  


"Well what are you waiting for?"

  


_Stage fright_

  


That was what he was waiting for.

  


"Asuka, turn the water faucet on for me."

  


"I thought you didn't need my help?"

  


"Do you want to get out of here or not?!"

  


A second later the water was turned on. And thirty seconds later another stream of liquid was let loose. It would have went smoothly too, they were so close to making it. Asuka was a little curious though.

  


"YOU CHEAT!"

  


Asuka was caught and she knew it. Shinji was done when he got caught anyway but he wasn't "in" yet.

  


Shinji jerked his cuffed hand down to help out with the process of covering up. This was by no means the best idea because the hand that was attached to his ended up where his hand should have been.

  


"YOU FREAK!"

  


"I DIDN'T MEAN TOO!"

  


Shinji tucked his "Mini Me" back into it's home as he was being dragged from the bathroom. Asuka really tried her best to put as much distance between her and his appendage as possible but she could only get so far.

  


"DAMN YOU! I didn't want to touch it!"

  


"NO! You just wanted to look!"

  


"I-I didn't look." 

  


"YOU LIE!"

  


"Well if I did it was too small to see anything." That remark was meant to hurt.

  


"It was bigger than you'll ever see!"

  


"HA! That was Laughable."

  


"Whatever."

  


...

  


...

  


...

  


"We'll never talk of this again." Surprisingly Asuka broke the ice on this one.

  


"Never."

  


"Good then."

  


"Good."

  


...

  


...

  


...

  


"Let's go to bed." Shinji took his turn at breaking the uncomfortable silence.

  


"Yeah."

  


"Let's get your bed roll."

  


"Ok."

  


Asuka got both her bedroll and her pillow while Shinji got absolutely nothing because a certain redhead shred it.

It started out with them as far apart as possible.

  


Shinji stared up at the ceiling long after the redhead had gone to sleep. A light snore came from her sleeping form.

  


_Look at her. She looks like an angel when she's sleeping... and not shouting or touching things. Look at her sweet pouting lips, her beautiful red hair, her long shapely legs, and her firm round… Ooh maybe I ought not to look at those._

  


It was around the last thought that the girl in question rolled her way over to him until half of her body was straddling his. 

  


_This isn't good._

  


Apparently this form of torture wasn't good enough for the beautiful redhead so she took it one step further and rolled completely on top of him. He had now become a human pillow. He looked over to the nice comfortable bedroll and pillow and only one thought crossed the young Ikari's mind.

  


_This can only end in disaster._

  


_***********************************************************************_

  


Meanwhile across town, inside an old condemned apartment building. A small room is illuminated by the faint glow of a laptop screen. It had taken some time to find and connect to the video feed coming from Major Katsuragi's residence, but the results were worth it.

  


After two clicks of the mouse, the image being displayed came into full clarity before the owner. A faint smile graced the face of Rei Ayanami, her mission of revenge just beginning.

  


_Accidents happen, Pilot Sohyru. Accidents indeed._

  


A few strokes of the keyboard later, the image and video file were saved. Phase one: Complete.

  
  


TBC

  
  


Author's notes: I got to give credit were it is due for this chapter. My pre-reads are mental crutches for me and deserve more credit than I for this chap. Thanks, Alexei Seranov, XEO, and Doctor-J.

Without them this chapter would suck worse than it already does. Next chapter will end with the death of the Seventh angel. After that chapter is when things really get fun!

  



	7. Chapter 7 The Woods of the Morn

Disclaimer:  I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.  A company named Gainax does.  If they request I take this off of the net then I will.

A/N:  Whoa!!  It took a little over twenty-thousand words to get through with one episode.  Hopefully we can get through at least the next couple of episodes with the same amount.  Thanks for the reviews as well!!  Well, on with the show!!!!!  I hope all yall enjoy it!

Also: Thanks to Alexei Seranov, Xeo, and Doctor-J for pre-reading.

 SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1

If it is in Italics, it is thought

If not in Italics it is either descriptive or action

If it is in "…" then apparently this is speech.

The Ikari Doctrine: Chapter 7 / The Woods of the Morn

Shinji stared down at his flexing hand through the amber liquid that he detested so much, that he felt so comfortable in.  He could feel the jerk as the Eva began rolling its way to the designated launch area.  Defeating the angel had become insignificant to him.  He knew that he and Asuka would defeat it; they had trained hard the last two days and had become a little too close for comfort.  So close in fact that they could finish each other's sentences, and feed each other while watching television.  Hell, if he wanted to, he could beat the angel himself with relative ease.  No, the angel was definitely not the problem here.  The problem was his roommate: Asuka Langley Sohryu. Shinji had known that he liked the redhead, but figuring out that he loved her had baffled Shinji to no end.  Sure, he had thought that he loved her, but he was never so certain about anything in his life than the moment he knew it for fact.  Through his whole life, the meaning of love had been lost on Shinji. Others had talked about it, like it was something that was everywhere and anyone could just reach out and grab it.  As far as he knew, it was just some big conspiracy to try and trick him into believing in something that wasn't there…  Like God.  Now, not only does he know that love exists, but what confuses him is how he could fall in love with… her?!  Since the moment he met the one-woman blitzkrieg he had thought her pompous, irritating, and loud. However, most of all, she was a variable.  The young Ikari despised variables.  Every time he found a groove in life he was comfortable with, a variable had to come along and fuck it up.  Oh yes, hatred for variables ran deep within this Ikari, and Asuka was the biggest variable of all.  Eva was dwarfed when compared to Asuka.  The temperamental German had single handedly screwed up his budding groove with the Eva variable, and squashed any possibility of getting back into that groove.  Now he was in love with a variable.  Logic was seemingly thrown out the window.

************************************************************************

D-Day: Morning

The morning had found Shinji free of any handcuffs on and lying next to Asuka.  Shinji had opened his eyes at about the same time the redhead did but neither one of the two moved for what seemed like forever.  If you were to look closely enough, you could notice their chests rise and fall in perfect unison.  It was Shinji who smiled softly first, and then, a Second later; a small smile grew on Asuka's face as well.

"Good morning." Shinji whispered hesitantly, afraid he might destroy this little 'moment'.

He did.

Asuka sighed audibly as she lifted herself off of the bedding.

"Good morning, Baka."

Asuka blinked a couple of times as she looked down upon the Third Child.  She then rubbed her eyes with balled up fists and yawned loudly.

That was it.

That was the moment he knew, without a bloody shadow of a doubt, that he loved the young woman that was looking down at him.  He had captured the moment beautifully in his mind.  Red hair was sticking out, in what seemed like every direction, and a couple of strands had obviously never heard of the force of gravity, and if they had, they chose not to believe in it.  The disheveled and stained clothes didn't do anything to help her attractiveness.  The crustiness falling from her eyes directly at him did nothing to add to her allure, and the wet streak that made its way from the corner of her mouth all the way to the bottom of her chin was not helping the sexual pull he might be feeling for her.  No, all of these things combined still led the young Ikari to the same inevitable conclusion.

_She's so beautiful…  I love her._

And that thought scared the ever-loving-hell out of the 'invincible' Third Child.  You could tell it too, by the way his eyes widened in apparent horror, and he quickly scurried away from the redhead.

_Oh shit! I don't love her!  I don't love her! I don't love her!_

"What the hell's the matter with you?" Asuka quizzed the frightened boy that had crab-walked his way across the living room floor until he was halted by the couch.

_…love her...!  Huh, what?_

"Oh, uh… nothing… nothing at all… I just remembered something from the dream I was having."

_Lie to her, that's always better than the truth._

"Whatever… ya freak.  I'm using the bathroom, and I'll be out soon to help with breakfast. Don't you dare play 'Mr. Voyeur' on me, Baka, or I swear I'll tear you a new asshole through your sternum…"

_I must be insane… I love that…_

Shinji watched her turn and head toward the bathroom.  Once the door closed Shinji let out a sigh of relief.  He needed this time to sort out the new discovery, and ponder how one could have their sternum be turned into the end of the digestive tract.

_Listen to yourself man, you've only known this girl for a little over a week, so you can't be in love with her, and you don't even know what love is…_

He tried for the next five minutes to convince himself that he didn't love the Second Child, but in the end it had the same affect as trying to convince someone that the world was really flat.  IT'S ROUND DAMNIT!!!

_Ok… I love her, now what?_

He didn't have time to formulate an answer for his own query, because the redhead had just opened the door to the bathroom.  A beautiful woman stepped out of the bathroom clad in two towels, one adorning her head and one wrapped around her chest.

He could only stare.

"What are you looki…" That's all she got out, before the towel covering her chest slipped.  She caught it before it revealed too much, but Shinji caught a glimpse of pink.  As Asuka's face turned red from embarrassment, Shinji looked down at his shorts, then back up at Asuka, all thoughts of the mystery of love gone from his mind.

            His face contorted into one of anger as he pointed an accusatory finger at the girl and yelled, 

"IT STILL DOESN'T WORK!!!"

************************************************************************  
  


D-Day minus 1

Slowly, one by one the senses of Shinji Ikari came back online from his peaceful sleep-induced coma. Feeling something warm, heavy, and wet…

_Wait a second… Wet? The hell?!_

…on top of his chest snapped the young Ikari out of his musings like a firecracker in a retirement home. To his horror, the slumbering form of the Second Child was nestled upon his chest and surprisingly, drooling like a five-month-old baby. Within a split-second the events of last night flooded his mind, with this onslaught of information, the Third Child could only mutter a single word before his soon to be demise.

"…Shit!"

_Okay, calm down, she's still asleep… oh no!_

It was at this time that Shinji realized the severity of his own situation.  It is problem that has haunted Man since the dawn of time.

_Morning wood._

Shinji stared up at the ceiling with an expression of helplessness.  It was pressing against the fiery redhead's thigh.

_It's Okay! It's Okay!_  He tried to reassure himself, _I know how to deal with this kind of situation._

Shinji squeezed his eyes shut tight and visualized.

_Okay, Father in a tutu… Father in a tutu… Father in a tutu… oh... oh… there it is, it's going dow…_

Atop Shinji the beauty shifted.

_Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Now I'm scarred and it got me absolutely no where._

Shinji let out a sigh.

_Fuyutsuki and father kissing… Fuyutsuki and father kissing… Fuyutsuki and father kissing… yes… yes… almost… almmooosssstttt…_

Asuka moved her leg back and forth trying to find a more comfortable position.

_OOOHHH! That felt goo... NO! NO! Focus Shinji... Focus!_

_Sensei naked… Sensei naked… Sensei naked…_

This mental image was so… wrong, it went through Shinji's cranium and straight into the blissfully unaware Second Child's.  Asuka stirred.

_Fuck…_It was more of a resigned mental exasperation.

Shinji could only watch as the girl on his chest began to stir.  She wrapped her arms around both sides of the boy and rubbed her head back and forth into his chest as if it were a pillow.  She stopped moving her head back and forth and propped it up on his chest with her chin.  The sleeping angel's eyes lazily opened and…

…she smiled a soft smile.

Shinji smiled warmly back at the girl.

_Something is poking me in the thigh… wait…I shouldn't be feeling… this isn't… not… poking…dream?!_

The incoherent first thoughts of the Second Child began to reformulate themselves.

_This might not be that b…_

Asuka's eyes widened.

Shinji's eyes widened.

Asuka screamed.

Shinji screamed.

It was hilarious to see the Third and Second Child's faces screeching at each other no more than four inches apart.  That is until the action started of course.   Asuka scrambled to get away from Shinji.  The first attempt by the beauty found her snapped back to her original position.  Shinji just lied there helplessly.  The second attempt went well for her… but not so much so for Shinji. 

Knee… connection… morning wood…

SNAP!!

Asuka dragged the boy, now in fetal position, for a few feet before she stopped.

"WHAT IN THE HELL WERE YOU DOING TO ME??!!!

No answer was forthcoming from the boy.

"BAKA HENTAI!!!! ANSWER ME!!!

No answer.

"You better answer me!!!"

No answer.

She kicked him with her free foot, but the boy barely moved.

In fact she couldn't hear the boy breathing at all.  She made her way over to Shinji and leaned over him to see his face.  His face was whiter than she had ever seen it and his eyes were squashed shut.  She leaned down further to try and hear him breathing.  It was there, but barely.

_Well I can't be blamed for killing him at least._

Asuka leaned up against the wall she had made her way to and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

The girl had waited thirty minutes before she decided that action was needed.

She drug the still helpless boy over to the cordless phone.

Brrinngg…  Brrinngg…. Brrinngg…Brriin…

"Y'hello… whaaat d'ya want?"  Misato said through a stifled yawn.

"Misato… I think I broke Shinji."

"Yes…. Yes... Yes, YES, YES!!  I told you fifteen times already Misato, it is quite impossible to break!

**….**

"What did you try?"

**….**

"Was that necessary?"

**….**

"You went that far?"

**….**

"Well maybe it's traumatized."

**….**

"Look, get Shinji and have him wait on the phone."

**….**

"It's an experiment."

Misato handed the phone to the now free and semi-coherent Shinji.

"Maya, could you do something for me?"

Maya could only guess what her sempai was talking about, and she was wrong.

"Yes sempai!"

_Always excited; such a sweet girl._

The good doctor explained the situation to her understudy and told her what her role would be in this little… experiment.

Maya reluctantly agreed to participate.

It started out slowly; Maya was just as embarrassed about the situation as Shinji was worried.

It heated up.

The good doctor found herself witnessing Maya's sex drive first hand.

The young lieutenant had gotten into the experiment rather heavily.  She had started to use hand motions in the beginning, then to pacing, then to her hands roaming over her body… and the words.

_Oh my!_

The imperviously cold doctor found herself heating up quite nicely.  Her cheeks had taken on a reddish hue as well.

On the other end of the line, what should have been a full on heart attack by the part of Shinji was only mild shell shock.

"…and your big, muscular, sexy, purple super bio-mechanical fighting machine!"

Near the end, Maya had added a fully developed plot line.

_I wonder if she's thought about this before._

"That was… very interesting Maya!"

"Thank you sempai!" Maya said with flushed cheeks.

Ritsuko picked up the phone.

"So that did it then."

**….**

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

**….**

"He's actually weeping?"

**….**

"Well thank God I DON'T have that problem!"

**….**

"The girl tried her best Misato."

**….**

"I assure you it provoked many a visual picture."

**….**

"WELL FIGURE IT OUT YOUR OWN DAMN SELF THEN!!!!"

The scientist threw her cell on the ground and proceeded to stomp it for all it was worth.

"…Intelligence in my pinky finger than you have in your whole bleach-blonde head!!"

**….**

"Well that was rude!"

Misato hung the phone up and turned to look at one weeping world savior and another who was watching the television while sitting upside down.  Asuka, it seemed, was oblivious to the goings on around her.

Misato made her way to Shinji, knelt down and ran her hand back and forth on his back.

"Ritsuko said that it would be alright in a day or two Shinji.  Right now we need to pull it together and work to beat this angel."

Shinji nodded his head through wails.

"That's a good boy."

_I'm getting real tired of people talking to me like I was a dog._  Shinji mentally griped.

Shinji's lamentation slowed down enough to give the sync pads a go.

Four hours later, and at precisely noon, the duo of mayhem were only at a sixty-eight percent sync.  Things were looking up, but not good.

_Probably Shinji's little problem that's holding him back._  Misato mentally interjected.

"I have to use the bathroom, can we stop now!" Asuka's whining voice wafted its way over to Misato.

_Bitch, Bitch, Bitch, she never stops bitching…_

"Break for lunch and toilet!" Misato hollered.

Asuka made her way to the bathroom, while Shinji headed to make lunch for the three of them.

"Are you feeling okay Shinji?"

"I can't feel anything at all."

"Nothing?"

"It was the most unbearable pain I had ever endured at first, but now I can't feel anything… down there."

"No pain or discomfort?"

"Nope, like it's not even there."

"Well that's good." Misato stated with a warm smile

**….**

**….**

"HOW IN THE HELL IS THAT GOOD!!!????"  Shinji shouted while waving a very menacing looking meat cleaver around.

"I mea…"

"DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING??!!"  Shinji pointed at her with the meat cleaver.

"I didn't mean it…"

"Just stop talking now."

"I'm really so…"

"ZIP IT!"  He jabbed the knife in her general direction.

**….**

**….**

"What do you want to eat?"

"A nice sandw…"

"I SAID ZIP IT!!"  Shinji threw the knife past Misato's head and by some miracle it stuck in the wall behind her.

Misato's eyes widened.

_The kid has freaking lost it._

It was at this point that Misato decided talking was not a good idea.__

**….**

**….**

"Well where is the food?"  Asuka had made her way back.  She had seen the knife stuck in the wall beside Misato's head but decided to ignore it.

"I'm making it."

"It's bad enough that I have to work with this animated turnip, but actually having to eat this gruel you Japanese dish out is just plain degrading."

"You know what animated means Asuka?"  Shinji quizzed.

"Of course, I'm a genius after all!"

"Then you know what part of me ISN'T ANIMATED ANYMORE!!!"

Asuka ignored the outburst from the Third Child and grabbed a dish cloth from the sink.  She pulled the cloth through a circle she had made with one hand. It mad a long puff of cloth.

"You mean like this?"

Asuka let go of the puff of cloth and it fell limply against her hand.

Shinji stared in amazement at her lack of compassion.

"I'll break your…. I mean…. I'll… I'll…"  Shinji looked confused.

"Yes, Third?"  Asuka asked while grinning evilly.

"NEVERMIND!"

Misato eyes switched from one of her roommates to the other as the argument continued on.

_We haven't even fought the angel yet and we're already toast._

_************************************************************************_

D-Day minus three hours

"Where's Misato at?" Asuka quizzed Shinji as she stepped out of the bathroom after her long hot bath.

Shinji was sitting on his bed roll trying to get his damn SDAT to work.  He didn't hear the question.  Asuka looked at the blissfully unaware boy with rising contempt.

_Damn thing! Must be broke again, damn, things are braking down everywhere.... especially my THINGS!!!_

A well placed kick upside the head brought the Third Child out of his reverie and into the carpet floor with a thud.

"OOOWWWW"

"I said, 'Where is Misato?'"

"She had to go in to work, won't be back for tonight..... Damn, that hurt."  Shinji answered while rubbing the back of his head.

Shinji watched with great interest as his hotheaded roommate gathered her bed roll and headed into the adjoining room.  She plopped the bed roll down on the floor, turned around to face the Third Child and dropped on all fours.

"This is the impenetrable wall of Jericho Third Child, take one step over this wall and you'll be a dead man."

All words were sidetracked for "later reviewing" in Shinji's mind as he stared down at the lovely view Asuka's loosely fit shirt was allowing him.

As the door slammed shut and blocked his view of the beautiful mounds he was previously staring at, Shinji broke away from his ogling state and went over the words she had said.

_Wall of __Jericho__? _

Shinji crawled over to the door the redhead was behind and opened it.

Asuka looked shocked and displeased to say the least.

"Didn't the "impenetrable wall of Jericho" fall?"  Shinji used his fingers as quotation marks to express his doubt of the impenetrability of the wall.

"WHAT?!"

_He knows what I meant!_

"It took an army to do it though Third Child, and you're just a wussy baka!"

The Second Child slammed the door shut again barely missing the Thirds face.

Shinji slid the door back open much to Asuka's chagrin.

"ARRGGG... Now what Third Child?"

"But they just blew trumpets as they walked around the wall."

Asuka slammed the door on Shinji yet again.

_He's proving to be an annoying little twit!_

Asuka's door opened once again.

"So all I have to do is blow a trumpet to get in right?"  While venturing his head inside the doorway.

WHAM!!  

The door had been slammed shut and his head had been slammed with it.  Right after the initial shock a hand pushed none to gently on his face causing him to stumble backwards.

"HMMPHH!"

The door finished its journey.  With that all questions Shinji had on penetrability of walls ceased and he resigned himself to sleeping alone.

************************************************************************

D-Day minus 2 hours

Shinji stared into the beautiful face of his companion in angel warfare.  She had deposited herself on his bedroll five minutes earlier, after what he had guessed had been a bout of sleep walking.  Her pouting lips were too much to resist for the young Ikari and he leaned in to steal a kiss.  Just before making initial contact he realized the blatant breech of trust he was about to commit and withdrew, opting to only observe her beauty.  She whispered in her sleep.

"Mama..."

As a single tear fell from her eye.

Shinji stared at the now vulnerable girl before him.

He softly whispered to her, "You miss your mother too..."

"I wonder what my mother was like..."

_Does your mother love you Asuka?  Did mine love me?_

With these thoughts came a wrest less sleep.

************************************************************************

CLING!

The Eva roller had finished its trek to the appropriate launch catapult.

_We made it to ninety-six percent sync that afternoon after the incident; this should be a cake walk._

Shinji's com channel was opened and he saw the girl he loved giving him a confident smirk.

"We can do this Third Child, just remember the routine."

_So beautiful_

"Let's do this, Asuka."

Before the com cut off he saw Asuka's smirk grow as she gave a cocky nod and wink combo.

"Are the pilots ready?"  The ever in control voice of Captain Katsuragi came over the com.

"Roger!"

"Yeah, yeah."

That's all it took.

"LAUNCH EVA!!"

On command music began to play all over the city, geofront, and most importantly inside each of the Eva's who were currently being skyrocketed to the city above and who were not locked into the catapult.

Once the catapults reached street level, the Evangelions were able to continue on uninhibited.  The Evas shot through the air like red and purple bullets.  The battle escalated as the angel of art and music returned to their dual forms.  The following was a dazzling display of brilliant strategy and perfect synchronization, as the biomechanical behemoths gracefully danced around their query.  Armored walls came up to block the angel's attacks just in time.  The bridge crew could do nothing but stare in awe as the perfectly synced bio-mechanical bringers of hell flipped through the air missing the angel's next attack and landed on the ground with a rumble already pumping round after round of super heated depleted uranium at the angel.  Abandoning the super sized machine guns for a more conventional form of attack the Evas high kicked their respective halves of the angel and then sent it flying backwards with a well placed uppercut.  The one two combo the Evas landed force the angel to re-form into a single being.  While the angel was stunned the Evas took to the blue sky again, flipping once and coming back down upon the angel with a dropkick to the core.  The core cracked as the force of the kick carried the angel and Evas across the city and up a hill leaving a deep trench in the wake of the stunned angel.  The angel's core finally gave way when they were almost to the top of the hill and the area was covered in a blinding light.

A chorus of cheers and a few sighs of relief were heard in the command center as the angel was defeated and there projected display was turned into blinding white light.

As Shinji stepped out of his entry plug he surveyed the area.  His Eva was being used as a pillow by Asuka's Unit 02. Speaking of Asuka…

Briingg!

Shinji picked up the phone he had never known was there and answered.

"H-hello?"

Shinji was shocked into stumbling backwards as a projection of Asuka's angry German countenance was shot forward at him.

"YOU BAKA!  YOU MESSED UP!  WHY IS YOUR EVA ON TOP OF MINE?!"

_Whoa!  This thing is freaky!  
  
_

"I didn't mess up, apparently you fell on me!"

Asuka animatedly kicked the air in front of the phone projection screen while keeping a trained eye on the real Shinji.

"ARE YOU IMPLYING TH…?"

Asuka watched as the foot that was projected through the video phone seemingly hit Shinji in the head, tossing him backwards.  Down the poor boy went.

Asuka watched in awe as the young Ikari fell from the safety of the beasts arm and tumbled his way down the side of the Evangelion only coming to a stop at the warm earth beneath them.

_I killed him._

Asuka was genuinely worried about one of the few people she had grown attached to since she had been in Japan.  Not to mention from his antidotes at school she had judged him to have balls of steel.

_That might be the wrong terminology…_

Asuka ran over to the edge of her own entry plug and stood on tippy-toes to get a better view of her fallen comrade.  Asuka stared down at the seemingly lifeless boy and asked frantically.

"SHINJI, ARE YOU OKAY?!"

"TALK TO ME SHINJI!!"

She saw the boy lift his head up and appraise himself.

_It works again_

Shinji smiled up at the beautiful redhead deliriously.

"IT WORKS AGAIN ASUKA!!"

"WHAT WORKS?"

Shinji pointed to the bulge in his plug suit.

**…**

**…**

"Well I'll be damned."

TBC

A/N:  As you all can see this chapter was mainly about Asuka and Shinji.  I decided to put the slightest hint of WAFF in this chapter (as odd as my WAFF may be) and Alexei took the crap I wrote and made into something at least palatable.  Which if you can do that with my work, you have TALENT!!  Hope you liked this chapter!!  The next one will hopefully be comedy all the way!  And if anyone still has the slightest inkling of a doubt, this will turn out to be an Asuka/Shinji fic.  NO NEED TO WORRY REI FANS!!

Rei will not be bashed.  Well not badly anyway.  Who says Rei needs to find her inner WAFFY feelings first anyway? Hmmm?  Maybe she needs to find her cruel and demented feelings first and then WAFFIENESS can consume her.

Well, you all will just have to wait and see  J


	8. Chapter 8 Like the Loompas Do!

Disclaimer:  I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion.  A company named Gainax does.  If they request I take this off of the net then I will.  Also this chap, I give all rights to any loompas to Willy Wonka.

A/N:  Okay people, I'm truly sorry about the long wait, you may all pick up wet squirrels and beat me to death if you want. O.o  I'm free of College now so I can devote all my resources to this fic. J

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this installment of The Ikari Doctrine.   Pre-readers this time were just Alexei Seranov, sorry Xeo, I didn't have time to e-mail ya.

If it is in Italics, it is thought

If not in Italics it is either descriptive or action

If it is in "…" then apparently this is speech.

The Ikari Doctrine: Chapter 8 / Like the Loompas Do!

 SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1Shinji watched the redhead roar at his guardian over not getting to go on the class trip.

_How dramatic can you get?_

"Why can't we attack them, what kind of operations director are you!!?  Everyone knows that the best defense is a good offense!"

Shinji kept a trained eye on his volatile roommate.  When she was in one of these "moods" she could get physically violent very quickly.  

"There's no getting out of this Asuka, you're going to stay here and that's an order!"

_Damn Woman._

Asuka "Hmmphed" as she turned her head away from both her roommates.  Then she realized her fellow Eva pilot must want to go with his fellow stooges on this outing.

"Why aren't you upset about this baka? You should want to congregate with the fellowship of stooge."

_Damn it to hell, why me?_

"I can't swim Asuka, besides; I figured we'd have to stay behind anyway.  It only makes sense."  Shinji said coolly while taking a sip of his tea.

Only to have the tea exit his mouth in an amazing spray, an instant after, by the swift smack upside the head from the perturbed redhead.

"What the hell was that for?!" Shinji quizzed angrily.

"I should have known a baka like you couldn't swim.  You probably don't want to go to avoid being embarrassed."

_Good guess._

"I'm embarrassed whenever I'm around you Asuka."

He sneered before taking another sip of tea.

Only to have the tea perform the same odd action as it had before.

"Damn it Asuka, I'd like to drink some of my tea."

"Serves you ri-"

"BOTH OF YOU QUIT YOUR DAMN SQUABBELING!!"

Both pilots turned to look at their fearless captain.  They blinked when they noticed a tea drenched face instead of Misato's usually beautiful features.

It was Asuka who recovered first and began her hiatus of laughing and pointing.  Shinji joined in to a lesser extent, but he still found it extremely funny.

"WHAT'S SO FUNNY!!!?"  Misato's face was read with anger; you could see the tea evaporating into steam.

If she was expecting an intelligent answer she was gonna be disappointed.

She had all she could take when Asuka actually fell to the floor in laughter and the purple headed goddess stormed toward her room.

"You two are incorrigible!"  And with that her door slammed shut. A minute later Asuka recovered from the laughter.

"You really can't swim can you?"  Asuka asked while reclaiming her seat.

"Nope."

"Good to know.... good to know."  The redhead smiled evilly at the newly acquired info.

Shinji's eyes went wide as he realized his blunder.

_Strategic error!!! Strategic error!!! Strategic error!!! Strategic error!!!_

That's all that went through Shinji's mind for the rest of the day.

************************************************************************

"School sucks!!" Shinji's voice echoed in the giant pool room of NERV headquarters.

The only living things that heard the boy's random exclamation were a blue haired girl that could care less about his exclamation and a redheaded girl who would try and use any gathered information to embarrass the boy.

Shinji looked between his laptops screen and the redhead who had heard his outburst and was making her way towards his position.  His eyes went wide.

_DAAAAMMMNNNN!!!!!!  She looks good in that! Look at those legs and that ass and those __brea-___

"Aww, poor Shinji is having trouble with school work.  Is there anything that I could do to help you?  After all, I HAVE graduated from college."

_But not from the school of humility oddly enough_.  Shinji quipped in his mind.

"You might be able to help; do you know anything about thermal expansion?"

"Physics is eeeaasssyy!!  I'll try and explain it so that even a baka like you can understand.  Thermal expansion just means that when things heat up they expand and when things cool down they contract."

"Oh... well that's easy enough."

_She was actually helpful for once... it should go down in history._

"Now let's say that I put my hands on my breasts to heat them up.  Would they get bigger or smaller?"  Asuka asked with a barely noticeable grin on her face.

_Let's see how you handle this one._ Asuka thought evilly.

_Yeah, I see where you're going with this._

"Let's see!" Shinji exclaimed in a sing song voice while he reached his hand up to cup his beautiful roommate's breast in his hand.                                                                

Asuka's mind went into total shutdown as the last thing she expected to happen... did.

Shinji was actually surprised as his hand was allowed free access to its target.

_Wow. That was easy enough._

_HE'S TOUCHING MY BREAST!!!!!!_

"I think it's getting bigger!" Shinji said happily.

SMACK!!!!

With one hit, Asuka had sent Shinji flying out of his chair and down onto the cold tile floor.

"OWWW!  What wa-"

A sidekick to the head sent him flying from the cold tile to the cold water.  Shinji landed halfway in between the ledge of the pool, and the first line of small buoys.

_I'm in the water.... I'M GONNA DROWN!!!!_

"I'M DROWNING" Shinji yelled while he flailed around the pool wildly.

Asuka stood over the "drowning" boy in her trademarked "Asuka" position.

"You're a foot away from the ledge baka!!"

_Revenge is sweet!!_

Asuka watched the boy flail around some more while he continued to hysterically announce his current predicament.   Seeing that the boy was too stupid to reach out and grab the ledge she decided to tell him to.

"Just reach out and grab the ledge stupid!"

It seemed not to work as the suggestion went in one of the boy's ears and out of the other.

_He really is an idiot._

Asuka watched as the boy actually started to go under the water, still flailing around incoherently.  She began to panic.

"GRAB THE EDGE STUPID!!!"  Asuka yelled at the boy, who's head was now currently under the water.

The boy continued to sink, the last vestiges of exposed skin slipping under the water.

Asuka could simply not process the information being sent her way. 

_How could salvation be so close, yet someone not reach out and take it?_

Asuka decided immediate action was necessary and jumped in the pool after her comrade.

_I don't like him, but I just can't let the little baka drown now can I?_

Asuka reached the boy, now a good 3 feet from the surface, the look on his face would have made her laugh under different circumstances, but she decided to remain focused on the task at hand.  She grabbed her fellow pilot and began to furiously kick her way back towards the surface.

_I can see the headlines now, "GREAT EVANGELION PILOT DROWNS IN POOL!"  And the first line "Fellow pilots watch as the Fourteen year old boy breaths his last breath." _Shinji had apparently accepted his demise.

Suddenly Shinji felt himself begin to reverse his decent and turn it into an ascent.  He also felt something around his arm that seemed to be the cause of his ascent.  Likewise he latched onto whatever was saving his life.  The scared pilot wrapped both legs and arms around the ascending item, in a last ditch attempt to save his miserable existence.

_Great I'm saving him and he still tries to cop a feel... I don't know why I bother._

Shinji, now in a full frontal hug with Asuka, finally opens his eyes when he feels the water recede from around his head.  All he sees though is darkness.

_Maybe I'm dead, and I ascended into heaven... or hell._

Coming to the conclusion that he was either in heaven or hell, he decided to shout out for someone.

"Can anyone hear me?  Is this heaven?"

_This has got to be a new low for mankind. _ Asuka thought as she looked down at the head lodged between her breasts.

"It's as close as you're gonna get BAKA!  Kindly remove yourself from my breasts!"

"That's funny... you sound like Asuka."

SMACK!!!    A hit to the side of his head sent Shinji's head rolling to the side.

Shinji looked long and hard at the red and white striped... breast.  Then he looked farther up into the face of their owner.

_She looks pissed._

_I am so pissed off!!_

"What kind of baka can't freaking swi-"

Halfway through her berating, Shinji noticed that he was still surrounded by water... and freaked out again.  This time though there was reason to his madness.  He used his arms to press Asuka's shoulders down, and then released his legs from around her waist.  He placed his feet on her shoulders and used the poor girl as a launching platform to extricate himself from the cold hands of death.  Once out of the pool he backed away from the ledge until he was stopped by the tile wall.  He then watched a mop of read hair burst from the surface, caught in a fit of coughing.

_You're sooo dead!!!_  Asuka thought as she hacked up the rest of the water she had inhaled.

Asuka made her way to the ledge and pulled herself out of it.

"Next time I'm gonna let the water have you!"  She spat out at the boy.

"Who can't swim...? I mean really!!" She had started to pace in front of the boy.

"This is the third time I've had to save your sorry ass since I've met you."  She shook her head furiously.

"That was the last time I'm going to save a spineless baka like YOU!!!"  She pointed at his mass of cowardliness.

_Hey... pointing's rude._

"I want nothing else to do with an incompetent idiot like you!!!"

"I'm leaving now, thank you very much for ruining my day!!!"

Asuka stormed to the entranceway of the pool room, but stopped for one last reminder when she got there.

"AND NO MORE GRABBING MY BREASTS!!!!!"  With that she was gone.

_She hasn't saved my sorry ass three times... I don't think._

Oddly enough it looked as though Shinji had taken the cruel comments with a grain of salt.

Shinji looked over the pool once more to see Rei idly taking laps... the same as she had five minutes before.

_I guess Ayanami wasn't too concerned with my state of animation._  Shinji thought sourly.

Shinji turned to get his towel from the corner of the room.  He bent down to pick it up, and when he rose again Ayanami was impossibly close to his face, still dripping wet.  Shinji visibly recoiled.

_SHIT!! How does she do that!_

"Y-Yes Rei?"

"It appears that I and pilot Sohryu do not like our breasts to be fondled.  Remember this next time you feel... antsy."  With that comment the First Child turned and exited the pool room.

_OOOOKKKK.  Maybe she did notice me drowning.  _

Shinji frowned.

_This can't be good._

************************************************************************

class=Section2> 

_It's going to be me, I just know it is, why the hell do I have to kill every sin-_

"Asuka, you will be performing this mission."  Spoke the evil doctor of NERV.

_That's the first time I have liked anything this woman has said.  _Thought two parties at the same time.

"I guess these people finely realize the genius that is Asuka Langley Sohryu."

Ignoring the redhead the good doctor continued on with her briefing.

"Shinji, you will be backup, and Rei will be on standby, here at NERV."

"Ok guys, let's get suited up and ready to capture an angel." The operations director chirped in.                                     

Shinji rolled his eyes.

_Yeah right, I still have the feeling that I'm gonna get screwed on this one.  I think that's you people's job._

************************************************************************

"Hey, this plug suit doesn't feel any different than my regular one."  Asuka declared in wonder.

"Press the button on your left wrist."  Ritsuko stopped drawing stick men doing perverted things long enough to enjoy the look on the Second Child's face when she found out what the... modification was.

"Oh... Okay."  Asuka depressed the button.

The plug suit began to expand outwards, causing the Second Child to give a surprised squeak.  When the suit had stretched its last Asuka's usual frame had been increased by more than 3 fold.

"What the hell is this thing?!?!"  Asuka yelled at the good doctor.

"It's a modified plug suit like I said earlier Asuka, let's go now, the others are waiting."

_I'm gonna get you for this one day you... you... fake blonde!_

Asuka could be heard before she ever got out to the main cage.

"… damn it you sorry BLONDE… NO-ASS WANNABE-DOCTOR, YOU PLANNED THIS OUT, DIDN'T YOU!!!?"

Shinji, Misato, and Maya waited patiently for Asuka to come out and look at HER Unit Two.

_Whatever got her so upset better watch out… she's gonna have an aneurysm when she sees what they've done to her Eva. _Shinji's face expressed the dread that he knew was coming.

Misato was actually thinking the same thing as Shinji was, but her "Work" facade had yet to give out.  She stood at attention waiting for the already ill-tempered redhead to make her appearance.  

Maya hadn't even heard the redhead's shouts, she was too busy trying to figure out how in the hell they got the Eva into that suit in short notice.

_It's just not possible; I mean all logic would tell a person it would take two or three days to suit something that big up.  Ok, let's focus on the job at hand and chalk that up as part of a mental breakdown._

When Maya turned back around to observe the Second Child's grand entrance she almost face-faulted.  There, the mighty Second Child spewing a stream of obscenities and trying to squeeze HER "fat ass" through the undersize hallway, greeted the bridge bunny's view.  Maya looked to her side to see Misato stifling laughter with her hand, and Shinji… well the Third Child appeared to be rolling around on the ground trying to catch his breath.

Asuka had gotten stuck in the hallway's entrance, but she was in such a position she couldn't see the three co-workers waiting on her.

"SHINJI!! YOU BETTER NOT BE LAUGHING AT ME!!!  IF YOU ARE I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!

Through his fits of laughter Shinji formed a response "I'm not… haha… I'm not, I swear it… haha… Asuka." 

Shinji had recovered from the initial surprise, and was rising from his response to that surprise when a loud POP was heard through the room.  Shinji raised his head once more to find Asuka on her side flailing 4 stumps around wildly, and one Dr. Akagi deftly dodging the little stumps to make her way next to her assistant.  Of course all this sent Shinji to the ground once more in a fit of laughter. Maya and Misato soon followed in their laughter, but Dr. Akagi remained ever vigilant.  

"ONE OF YOU HELP ME, I CAN'T GET UP!!... STOP LAUGHING AND HELP ME YOU IDIOTS!"

Shinji rose from his laughter once more.  Once he was back to his normal posture, a look of recognition slowly crept its way onto his face.

_I've seen all this before._

"I remember this, this has all happened BEFORE!"

Shinji's declaration caused Misato and Maya to stop laughing and Ritsuko to entertain the idea of parallel universes.

Shinji made his way over to the still screaming redhead while all the others maintained quizzical looks about them. If Asuka thought that Shinji had come to be her knight in shining armor and save her from this horrible embarrassment, she was horribly mistaken.

Shinji placed his hand on the epitaph of Asuka's disfigured body and gave her a little push.  Asuka proceeded to roll 3 feet in the direction of the push, when she came to a stop she had some rather vicious words for the young Ikari.

"YOU LITTLE TWERP, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!!!  HELP ME UP NOW DAMN IT!!!

_This is just too perfect!!_

"Asuka, do you know you look like a giant… strawberry?"

Asuka only squirmed more at the question. Shinji gave a little laugh at her plight and continued on with what he had planned to do.

Shinji started to walk a circle around the girl and then he began.

"Oompa loompa doopety doo," Shinji started to roll the girl towards the group of bridge bunnies.  As he got closer to them he saw Maya's eyes light up, and the techie made her way to the opposite side of Shinji and joined in the fun.

"I've got a perfect puzzle for you

Oompa loompa doompety dee

If you are wise you'll listen to me," They started to roll the girl in circles.

By this time Misato had decided the floor was a much more stable place to be, considering that her humor level for the day had surpassed a whole month in total.  Even the stone like Dr. Akagi had begun to giggle at the Third Child and her Lab assistant's shaky rendition of Willie Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

"Who do you blame when your Child is a brat?

Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat

Blaming the Child is a lie and a shame," The two had begun what looked to be a tug of war match over the girl.

"You know exactly who's to blame," Both of the conspirers looked over to the good doctor. 

The doctor, being in a good mood, decided to play along. "The Commander?"

The answer seemed to satisfy the "Oompas" and they continued.

"Oompa loompa doopety da" Shinji bent down as he continued to sing and poked his head right in front of Asuka's, who promptly tried to spit at the bright and smiling pilot of Evangelion Unit 01, whose face was about to split at the seams in humor.  

"If you're not spoiled then you will go far," It was Maya's turn to do as Shinji just did.  Asuka by this time was so dizzy, instead of spitting she "spluttered".

"You will live in happiness too

Like the Oompa Loompa doopety doo,"

This continued two more times with Shinji and Maya adlibbing different lines… Until one Kaji Ryouji started singing along with the pair from his perch on the second level railing. "DOOPETY DOO!"

Now Asuka up until this point and time had been ready to kill everyone in range, but now, with the addition of her Kaji seeing her in this predicament, she WAS going to kill everyone in the room.

"YYYYEEEEOOOOWWWW!!!" Shinji screamed with all his might as what felt like a small cougar clamped its teeth down around his ankle.  

"SHE BIT ME!!" Shinji yelled as he fell back on his rump and attempted to crawl away.

Asuka used the momentum from the last push in her favor and gave chase.

"I'm gonna get you, you little BAKA!!!"

_Oh shit!  I've driven her insane!!!... As if she wasn't always._

Misato decided to pipe up "I remember this move… It was that scary one… CRITTERS!! That was it!"

The three bridge bunnies moved out of the way as Shinji crawled by still holding his ankle.  They gave even more space to the large red strawberry following Shinji in hot pursuit.

Shinji yelled out in pain once again as Asuka's jaws found Shinji's tender posterior.

"GAH!!! SHE BIT ME ON THE ASS!!!"

The whole crew burst out laughing at that.

"Serves you right, you idiot!"  Asuka yelled, still giving chase.  Unfortunately for the redhead, her momentum had died, causing her to just roll to a rest.

"YOU'RE LUCKY YOU LITTLE TWERP!!!  I WOULD HAVE HAD YOUR TWIG AND BERRIES TOO!!"

"YOU'VE HAD 'EM ONCE ALREADY YOU EVIL BITCH!!"

"AND I'LL HAVE 'EM AGAIN TOO!!"

Shinji piped down at that.

_I'm particularly fond of my love tackle.  Better not piss her off._

Dr. Akagi decided that the mission's time frame held more importance to the organization than her first laugh in a good long while.  

"OK!  LET'S GET GOING!!  OOMPA… I MEAN TECHIES, ROLL THE SECOND CHILD UP TO HER ENTRY PLUG!!"  The doctor walked over to one of the techies who had mysteriously appeared. "Make sure the Second Child isn't given opportunity to give chase to the Third, he's still needed after all."

Shinji hurried out of the room towards his carrier jet with Misato.  He was sure as the door closed he heard Asuka giving someone hell over the Type-D that Unit 02 currently wore.

"Misato, are there security camera's in that room?"

"Of cour… Well stop by section 2 on the way to the jet."

"Where was Ayanami, Misato?"  Shinji had been perplexed by her absence the whole time they were in the briefing.

"She said she had a school project she had to take care of."

Misato wasn't sure but she thought her young ward mumbled something about Ayanami being the enemy from hell.

More A/N:  OK peeps!  I have to give credit to Alexei Seranov for editing this thing, if you could read it before he had his way with it you would know I SUCK!!!  So all credit goes to him, THANKS BUD!!!

Next CHAP!!!  The eighth angel gets slaughtered, WAFF is included, And OF COURSE, IT'S GONNA HAVE A LITTLE HUMOR IN IT!! J


	9. Chapter 9 Magmatic Situations

Disclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion. A company named Gainax does. If they request I take this off of the net then I will.

A/N: OK, I'm real sorry for the long long wait. It's out now though ;)

If you people want to read copies of it sooner, it should be out on www.evamade.com earlier than FF.net. OK, this one seems broken up into too many pieces to me, but I'll let the people be the judge of that. Big thanks to my pre-reader Seranov, wouldn't be the same without you man!

If it is in Italics, it is thought

If not in Italics it is either descriptive or action

If it is in "…" then apparently this is speech.

The Ikari Doctrine: Chapter 9 / Magmatic Situations

  


Shinji peeked over the edge, into the depths of the volcano, "It's lava, alright!"

  


Asuka rolled her eyes inside her Eva, while said biomech was now attached to a crane and fully outfitted in what Asuka dubbed 'stupid volcano armor.' As it swung none-to-gracefully, side-to-side, she turned on her intercom.

  


"Okay. Pack it up people; our invincible leader has identified the problem…. There is lava in the volcano. Way to go Shinji, way to think that one through!"

  


_I can't take it anymore… She's relentless! _Shinji raked his fingers down his face while his counterpart smiled evilly.

  


_Left yourself wide open for that one, didn't ya!_

  


Back on ground level, Misato, Ritsuko, and Maya were gathered around a bank of computers known as the temporary command center. 

  


"Don't you think you should put some order back into this operation, Captain?"

  


"No, not really…. They're entertaining me for now. Once the insults veer in my direction, I'll put my foot down." The beautiful captain said this as more of a passing thought, rather than a response to the blonde's question.

  


"Of course… how noble of you." Whether or not the response was directed her way or not, she still didn't approve of the Captain's flippant behavior.

  


Just then Shinji came in over the comm. channel "Misato…. Why are there so many planes flying above us?"

  


"Oh that" Misato waved her hand dismissively "they're there in case we fail our mission." 

  


Asuka just had to interject on that note, "What are _AIIIRRRR DEFFFFENSES_ going to accomplish that me and my Evangelion, can't?" You could feel the sarcasm coming off the statement, but the good doctor answered her query.

  


"They will use N2 mines to destroy both the Angel and us."

  


"THAT SUCKS!!!!" Asuka really wasn't THAAAT surprised… but it still sucked rat droplets.

  


"Who would give such an order?

  


"That would be the…"

  


"Wait- it was my dad's order, wasn't it?"

  


_That has to be one of the stupidest questions I have ever asked._

  


Maya piped up "Yep, the Commander sure is adamant about destroying the Angels."

  


_No shit._ Thought more than two hundred separate entities at the same time… and in varying locales.

  


"Hey Shinji, what the hell's the matter with your dad? He must hate you as much as I do." Asuka had no idea how much that would sting Shinji… but if she had… she still would have said it.

  


"Yeah, this is definitely one of the nicer things he's ever done." Shinji hung his head low and his tone definitely weakened, as opposed to the previous weeks… and everyone could tell.

  


No one disturbed the silence that prevailed, not even the overly proud redhead, because she knew first hand how parents could be.

  


The crane broke the silence first as it began to lower Asuka into the blazing hot magma.

  


"Hey, Asuka?" Shinji's tone remained somber.

  


"Yeah, what is it?" She felt for him… but she wasn't getting too carried away with it, and she was feeling a little stressed about the whole "magma diving" operation.

  


"Your ass is HUGE in that thing!" Shinji and his mood took quite the upturn, it appeared.

  


The temporary command center burst into laughter. Asuka tried to wiggle her way out of the crane harness to get to Shinji, cursing all the way I might add.

  


"Calm down Asuka, calm down… (background laughter) …you'll break the harness and be lost in the magma otherwise." Misato said this in between fits of laughter.

  


Asuka surprisingly did what she was told, but she pointed the pincher of her Evangelion at Shinji's.

  


"I'll pinch off your manhood after I finish the op, Baka!!!"

  


The pinchers on Asuka's Eva began to slam back and forth together as she was lowered down. In fact, after her overly-large robot was totally submerged, the pincher burst back out of the lava, giving Shinji quite the scare, to give one final snap before it, too, was submerged in the lava as well.

  


_Why does everything have to revolve around ME and my manhood???_

  
  


Gendo Ikari walked down the halls of NERV… his own personal kingdom, where HIS law was absolute.

_Feels good to be king._

Gendo rounded the corner into the command center, and was quite surprised to see the largest girl on girl porn picture he had ever seen floating in mid air, where strategies and planning usually hovered. Of course it wasn't one of those 'My grandma just got hit by a truck' surprises, quite the contrary. Truth be told, Gendo was a big fan of it. While looking at the picture, Gendo was quite surprised to see one woman's head being cut out of the picture…. And what looked like his secret lover's head being put back in its place.

_What in the hell???_

Gendo stepped from out of the shadows only to observe the long-haired bridge tech working diligently to cover any blemishes that occurred in the image transplant.

_Damnit… I should really remember these people's names_.

Instead of booming out the tech's name, which in his personal opinion would have induced much more anxiety in a subordinate, he cleared his throat loudly, only to witness the underling jump up to attention.

_Eh… It worked well enough._

"Lieutenant, exactly what are you doing?"

Needless to say Aoba was sweating some might fierce bullets… and wondering exactly what God he pissed off and how he could make amends.

"Sir… I am editing a picture as a…. joke."

_OH SHIT!!! That was pathetic. _

"Indeed… who will this… joke… be played on?"

"Lieutenant Ibuki, sir."

"So in other words… her face will be replacing the other woman's face?"

"Sir… yes sir?"

_OK… This is not what I expected… but better than what I did… so…what-the-fuck-ever._

The tech wasn't going to be the one to screw up his own good luck.

_ She is a cute one… I can't say I haven't thought it before… it is a quality picture…_ Gendo made up his mind on a course of action.

"And what of the operation?"

"The operation is proceeding as scheduled, sir."

Aoba had no freaking clue how it was really going. For all the tech knew it could have failed and everyone would soon perish. Truth be told… he forgot all about the Angel…and operation, but damned if he was going to let his commanding officer know THAT!

Gendo took a quick look at the document heading of the picture… for future reference and all that sort of thing.

"Carry on then."

Gendo spared one last look at the picture and headed for the elevator that took him back to the "throne room". In contrast, Aoba plopped back down in his chair with utter shock written on his face. _That was not the way that was supposed to happen… I should have been fired, or reprimanded, or something!!! Right?_ Aoba just thanked his lucky stars and put the finishing touches on his picture… Then he made sure to email it to everyone in NERV. Of course he did this while trying to laugh evilly… but it only came out girly-like.

Gendo was silent for most of the elevator ride up to his office… until he took off his glove to reveal the embryo of Adam, one of the most powerful Angels, and he spoke to him.

"Scream all you want to…. No one's going to save you now!"

It seemed Gendo was planning on studying the picture more closely.

A tear formed in the corner of Adam's eye.

________________________________________________________________________

"THERMAL EXPANSION!!!"

"This is no time for your boob grabbing antics!!! This is serious!!!"

"NO… THE COOLANT!"

OK… the fact that he wasn't talking about some form of perverseness was shocking enough to Asuka, but add to it that he actually used his brain for some form of strategic thought… and that stumped her a little bit.

"RIGHT, PUMP ALL COOLANT THROUGH PIPE FOUR... NOW!!!" Asuka yelled out her orders from the front lines as Misato confirmed the orders in the command center with short nods. Tearing the specified coolant pipe off her suit, Asuka jabbed the end of the pipe over the Angel's core. She then hacked away at the red orb, which could have been green, but the lava had a way of making things red. With Shinji's borrowed prog knife, she kept stabbing the orb until it finally sank its way up to the hilt in the Angel's power source. Asuka let out a sigh of relief as the Angel started to disintegrate in the lava… However, it was short lived though as the Angel's clawed extremity shot out in a last-ditch effort, tearing the last three remaining coolant pipes. In doing so, it only left the beautiful redhead with a quickly depleting scrap of support.

_Well shit!_

"I defeated the Angel… but that's it… I'm done for." She sounded defeated, she had accepted the inevitable. What she didn't know is that someone up there secretly loved her… and the inevitable doesn't mean shit when love is involved… especially when a giant robot that somehow feeds off a person's emotions is involved.

As Asuka's last support cable snapped, she began to sink deeper into the magma. Her decent was suddenly jerked to a stop, however. As she looked up she found herself staring into the eyes of Evangelion unit 01… her savior. The two began to ascend to safety once again.

_He saved me…_ Adoration seemed to permeate her features...

"You show off." 

Then she remembered her promise…. And owned up.

Maya knew everything would be okay when she saw Unit 01 go into the lava… it just seemed that Shinji always got what needed to be done… well, done.

Once she had confirmed that Asuka was safe she proceeded to think about other things… even though the sounds of Shinji's howls, whimpers, and pleas coming through the loud speakers permeated the tent.

So she decided she needed to check her email. What she found there was her regular bank notifications, jokes of the day, and SPAM. There was something from the NERV STAFF that she noticed was odd… it had a picture link on it.

_That rarely happens._

Once she clicked on the link she noticed that she obviously had some fun with her sempai that she had forgotten about. Either that or Aoba was going to have to pay… and Shigeru would have to suffer as a consequence. Wasting no time… and hoping too many people hadn't saved that picture on their hard drives; Maya replaced the picture with that of Aoba and Shigeru in a very provocative position. She had made multiple pictures like this in case revenge needed to be exacted in a hurry.

"Always be prepared."

Gendo sat in his "throne" studying 'thoroughly the picture that in his opinion was a work of art.

The First Angel on the other hand was none too impressed with the picture that was the cause of his current "situation." The First Angel's plight would soon come to an end though. As Gendo was enjoying the picture particularly well, it changed.

Gendo was so shocked by the sudden metamorphosis that he jumped back in his seat, causing it to flip over and leaving him in a very embarrassing position sprawled out on the floor. At this moment Fuyutski made his entrance, reading a document as he walked into the office.

"Gendo these rep..." Fuyutski looked up only to see his commanding officer sprawled out on the floor, pants around his ankles, and staring back at Fuyutski. Fuyutski looked back on Gendo's desk to find an image of the two male techs having some personal time together. Fuyutski did an about face, shook his head, and exited the office.

"I'm too old for this shit!"

Toji Suzahara was having a wonderfully spectacularly, stupendous day.

He had finally gained some ground in his relationship with the Class Rep.

Even though spawned through talk of his hospitalized sister, Toji had become quite familiar with the Class Rep's family as well… They had talked for 2 whole hours (much to one Kensuke Aida's dismay) while waiting on their turn to go out on the boat and start their diving adventure. She had shared with him that she basically took care of her sisters, because her dad didn't have too much time to deal with them. He had in turn told her of his own dad's absence at his household. The chit chat led to Shinji and Asuka, then to the organization NERV, then to how all of their lives seem to be stolen by that sole organization. Of course, it was rare form for Toji. Normally he would have said that deep thoughts and chit chat with girls was for plain ole wussies. Toji Suzahara found himself falling for the Class Rep… and when you're falling for someone, you really aren't listening to logic or reason any more. Whether it was the electrical shocks he had received earlier or just plain growing up, he decided to be daring… he asked her to a movie. Yep Toji Suzahara's first date would be with a girl he had secretly admired for a long while- if only all guys were as lucky. But all that was earlier… this is now.

Toji had beaten Hikari back to the boat after they decided to conduct a little race. Kensuke would have been there to race as well but he had premature equipment failure and was already on the boat. He watched Hikari swimming back, the sun glistened off her beautiful skin as she swam gracefully back to the boat, and that's when Toji saw it, a fin was following his budding romantic-interest, and she was still a good fifteen feet away from the boat! Toji decided to take drastic measures... but he didn't particularly feel like becoming shark food that day. Taking the next best alternative, he grabbed his friend out of his seat and slung him directly in the path of the fin and Hikari.

What did all this earn him you might ask?

Toji was severely reprimanded by his instructors, and put on warning: not for what you might think, but for the fact that Kensuke soiled himself upon seeing the approaching fin, and they had to ride back with him for thirty minutes. He would also be berated for years to come about how he sacrificed his child hood friend for some girl he had a crush on, who just happened to have been being followed by a tuna fish.

It all didn't seem worth it… that is until he got that little peck on the cheek. The rest of the consequences didn't seem all THAT bad then.

Shinji was learning the pains of heroism first hand. The neural feedbacks sent the burning sensation of lava on flesh right to his own nervous system. That compacted with the fact that the LCL had actually reached scalding temperatures was making life a little unbearable at the moment. The fact that he now had to cradle his groin because of Asuka's pinchers wasn't helping things either. The support crew that ran over to Shinji found out quickly that touching him was a bad idea after the first one that did so got pegged in the head with a neural interface. Shinji made his way to the command tent only to receive a great big slap on the back and cheerful smile from the operations director. Choosing not to strangle his roommate with her own flight jacket, although images of such did run through his mind, he silently made his way to the temporary changing facilities, not once speaking to a person but to tell them to "back off!". 

_You're not going to strangle her… You're not going to strangle her… You're not…_

Just then Shinji's thoughts were interrupted by something propelling him against the side of the truck he was about to enter.

_OK WHAT S.O.B. HAS A DEATH WISH!?!?!?_

He was pressed flat against the side of the truck by none other than the person he saved… And the person who had showed her thanks for the saving in a rather strange manner. Now she was the person who had caused him intensified pain by TOUCHING HIM.

"Listen up loser boy- don't ever try to steal my glory again… I could have handled the situation myself."

Shinji closed his eyes, repeating a simple mantra to him self.

_You won't kill her… you won't kill her… you won't kill her_

His mantra was interrupted by something soft and moist touching his cheeks. It stayed there for a little while, but Shinji dare not open his eyes in fear of it only being a dream.

When the object detached itself from his cheek he heard Asuka whisper right next to his ear

"Thanks anyway."

The pressure on his arms disappeared, but Shinji stayed where he was for the next five minutes, trying to catch his breath… not opening his eyes once.

The First Child was enjoying a day off of work. It wouldn't seem like she would be capable of such a thing, from past reference. Regardless of that, there she was sitting at a computer console and learning how to manipulate information via web connections.

The little Angel clone seemed to be doing quite well with it, too.

A smile slipped its way onto her face as she sent the best of the pictures of Asuka's night sleeping atop Shinji. It was the picture of Asuka barely lifting herself off Shinji to see what was poking her. That picture would appear on the desktops of people's computers worldwide.

_Revenge is sweet._

Her smile broadened even more.

"OWW, you jerk!"

_I just did what you said._

"What happened Asuka?" The concerned roommate's voice wafted over the bamboo wall to Shinji.

"He hit me in my most sensitive area!"

_HOLD IT WITH THE IMAGERY!_

"Oh, let me help!" Misato's voice had turned playful.

Shinji turned around as quick as he could; only to slap his other roommate/penguin in the face with… well... you know. For those of you who don't know… PenPen is NOT a good enemy to have.

PenPen gave Shinji what all males know as the "Evil Eye". Turned his head in defiance and paddled away. Turning once more towards Shinji to give a final squawk. This meant War.

_Yeah…you'll be sorry.................................. bitch._

Shinji knew he was screwed; PenPen could take out Asuka if he wanted, and he didn't stand a chance…. He looked down.

_Damn you… you're a curse to all men._

A/N: OK, it's done(that part anyway)I hope you like where it's going so far. As you may have noticed I'll be taking the romance part slow, so don't get your hopes too high for some instantaneous romance. Come visit us at and chat with a couple of really great authors and if want... just to hang around. I am also opening www.evamade.com for people to put they're works up. I'll accept pretty much anything there(of course, other authors will have to look at it as well). Have fun and laugh hardy peeps!

Till next time.


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